Tuesday, April 26, 2011


One thing I have learned about this deployment is that so far it's going to be a lot harder than the last one. I'm not sure if it's because we only had 2 weeks notice, or if it was because we only had six months in between deployments, or maybe it's because I am away from my family and friends back home...but for some reason this one just feels so much worse than the first one. I am not trying to complain..I have a point, I promise.

For the last week I had no communication with my husband whatsoever. Not a single email, phone call or fb message. Of course this had to happen the week of my birthday right? For the second year in a row we had to spend my birthday apart because he was deployed. I was already bummed, not to mention my bday happened to fall on Easter this year which made it two holidays rolled into one that I was missing my hubby and my family...I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't depressed about it.

So all week I was praying the comms would go back up and I'd get that phone call...my birthday came and went and there was no call, no email, no nothing. I was heartbroken. I cried for an hour before I was so exhausted that I drifted off to sleep. I woke up Monday morning feeling as awful as I had the night before and checked my email to see a message from my husband. Even though I should have felt happy I felt something else...anger. I know I can't blame my husband, this is something he has no control over, but I still couldn't help but be mad.

I felt like screaming and punching someone! I was seriously infuriated and I just wanted to take it out on someone. Why couldn't I have gotten that email the day before? Why couldn't I just get to hear his voice, it was the only thing I really wanted for my birthday. I know you are all probably reading this and thinking I am a crazy person, but if that's the case then so be it. I feel like I AM going crazy. This deployment is messing not only with my head, but with my heart.

Everyday I read status updates or blogs of my friends who are going through deployments that get phone calls several times a week if not every single day! I know I should be happy for them that they have good communication with their hubby's but reading it seriously makes me mad and jealous. I have only gotten two, that's right TWO phone calls in the entire month my husband has been deployed. So even though he had an excuse for last week, what was the reasoning behind not calling more frequently the rest of the time?

At this point I am hurt and don't feel like he is putting in as much effort as he should to communicate with me. I know he is busy but he makes time to go to the gym or play video games with his friends, so why can't he make time to stand in line and wait for the phone? I know its boring to wait in line forever, but you'd think he would at least WANT to to talk to me. I guess that's what hurts my feelings more than anything. He has been so nonchalant about this whole deployment and it really bothers me that he just doesn't seem to care about anything. You'd think he'd care enough to want to call his wife.

I know I have been difficult lately to say the least, but like I tried to explain to my husband I have not been trained to simply turn off my emotions and become a robot like he is. I am a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, I always have been. If I am mad or sad you can tell by the look on my face. I'm a terrible liar and anyone can see through me when I try to put on a fake smile and pretend everythings ok.I know I need to work on my anger, but it's just so hard for me.

Last deployment I was just depressed a lot, but this time around I am ANGRY. I'm exhausted from this lifestyle and it hasn't even been two years yet. I seriously don't know how you ladies do it that have been married for years and keep going through all this. Its just not my idea of a good time. I want my husband home, I want to celebrate holidays, birthdays and anniversaries together. I don't want to spend all my nights alone, eating chocolate and samoa ice cream while I listen to sad music and cry my eyes out....again not my idea of a good time.

I need some advice, some prayers, some comfort...anything that you think might help. Cause at this point I'm losing my mind and this deployment is succeeding in wrecking my marriage and breaking my heart.



  1. Oh, I'm sorry you had to have another birthday without your husband. It's so hard not to feel jealous and mad when other people are talking way more to their spouses than you are to yours. I felt the same way when my husband was gone. I know the phone lines and the internet were down more than they were up and he was really, really busy, but still there is no way around it: That SUCKS! I put a lot of effort into writing letters and while I got maybe 1 letter for every 10 I sent it did make me feel better (just a little).

    I wish I had some advice for you, but I really don't have any and I don't want to say 'stay strong' because, ugh, I hate when people say that to me. Maybe try kickboxing for working through your anger? ***hugs***

  2. Oh sweetie, I know nothing makes any sense right now. Its ok to be angry and confused. Lack of communication can really test your nerves, patience, and the will to keep going.
    The whole phone situation is a bit simple; they won't be able to call everyday from the ship. Most of the time a phone call is a special privilege.
    My husband had to fight tooth and nail to use the phone while he was deployed last time. Out of the 7 months, he only called 5 times. (not including port)They almost didn't let him call for his own son's birthday.
    Hang in there Britt. You can do this.
    Not every deployment will be the same, but you do have a support system when you need it. I'm always a phone call or fb message away.
    Believe me, our first two years of marriage were a test from Hell. Literally. Every horrible obstacle was thrown our way. We didn't let that get us down. We see the light at the end of the tunnel. Soon that man you love will be in your arms. Its not too far away. No matter what it looks like written down on paper. God made you for this. Follow his path and take this time to reflect on yourself. Don't get discouraged and let down.
    I bet it is just as hard on his side of the ocean. Sometimes even harder.
    Believe and trust in the Lord. Don't let evil conquer your emotions.

    Thinking of you and praying for you!

  3. I don't even have a significant other
    But I do have my sons father ..
    And he never talks to me and we are in the same state..same city..I see him like 4 times a week but he won't
    Even look at me or talk to me..
    That's just depressing I don't think
    Mean realize how woman are we NEED
    Communication , we NEED to be appreciated.. You are such a strong
    Woman I honestly don't know how
    You do it.. Don't apologize for how
    You feel.. You are hurt ..
    I think he doesn't call you because
    He misses you too much and he
    Doesn't want to get emotional..
    I'm positive you are always on his mind you are what gets him through
    His day.. He may not call but these deployments are just as hard for him.

    You are in my prayers , keep your
    Head up:)

  4. I'm sorry you had to go through a b-day without your hubby again. I went through my SO missing my son's birth, and I think that was the hardest thing so far. I actually didn't even get a call that day. I did get an email, but that was it. I think last time I got maybe 5 phone calls the whole deployment. Just hang in there. It's so hard to know what they are thinking and feeling when they are so far away. To be honest, since they are guys, sometimes it's hard to know that even when they are around. Guys just aren't built the way we are. I wish you the best!

  5. My hubby is missing my birthday to because of this hellish thing, and last year on my birthday I had to send him of to boot camp, so it looks like two sad birthdays in a row for me. :( On a positive note though by the time that comes around we will be three months into deployment! I hope you get more phone calls soon!