One thing I have learned about this deployment is that so far it's going to be a lot harder than the last one. I'm not sure if it's because we only had 2 weeks notice, or if it was because we only had six months in between deployments, or maybe it's because I am away from my family and friends back home...but for some reason this one just feels so much worse than the first one. I am not trying to complain..I have a point, I promise.
For the last week I had no communication with my husband whatsoever. Not a single email, phone call or fb message. Of course this had to happen the week of my birthday right? For the second year in a row we had to spend my birthday apart because he was deployed. I was already bummed, not to mention my bday happened to fall on Easter this year which made it two holidays rolled into one that I was missing my hubby and my family...I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't depressed about it.
So all week I was praying the comms would go back up and I'd get that phone call...my birthday came and went and there was no call, no email, no nothing. I was heartbroken. I cried for an hour before I was so exhausted that I drifted off to sleep. I woke up Monday morning feeling as awful as I had the night before and checked my email to see a message from my husband. Even though I should have felt happy I felt something else...anger. I know I can't blame my husband, this is something he has no control over, but I still couldn't help but be mad.
I felt like screaming and punching someone! I was seriously infuriated and I just wanted to take it out on someone. Why couldn't I have gotten that email the day before? Why couldn't I just get to hear his voice, it was the only thing I really wanted for my birthday. I know you are all probably reading this and thinking I am a crazy person, but if that's the case then so be it. I feel like I AM going crazy. This deployment is messing not only with my head, but with my heart.
Everyday I read status updates or blogs of my friends who are going through deployments that get phone calls several times a week if not every single day! I know I should be happy for them that they have good communication with their hubby's but reading it seriously makes me mad and jealous. I have only gotten two, that's right TWO phone calls in the entire month my husband has been deployed. So even though he had an excuse for last week, what was the reasoning behind not calling more frequently the rest of the time?
At this point I am hurt and don't feel like he is putting in as much effort as he should to communicate with me. I know he is busy but he makes time to go to the gym or play video games with his friends, so why can't he make time to stand in line and wait for the phone? I know its boring to wait in line forever, but you'd think he would at least WANT to to talk to me. I guess that's what hurts my feelings more than anything. He has been so nonchalant about this whole deployment and it really bothers me that he just doesn't seem to care about anything. You'd think he'd care enough to want to call his wife.
I know I have been difficult lately to say the least, but like I tried to explain to my husband I have not been trained to simply turn off my emotions and become a robot like he is. I am a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, I always have been. If I am mad or sad you can tell by the look on my face. I'm a terrible liar and anyone can see through me when I try to put on a fake smile and pretend everythings ok.I know I need to work on my anger, but it's just so hard for me.
Last deployment I was just depressed a lot, but this time around I am ANGRY. I'm exhausted from this lifestyle and it hasn't even been two years yet. I seriously don't know how you ladies do it that have been married for years and keep going through all this. Its just not my idea of a good time. I want my husband home, I want to celebrate holidays, birthdays and anniversaries together. I don't want to spend all my nights alone, eating chocolate and samoa ice cream while I listen to sad music and cry my eyes out....again not my idea of a good time.
I need some advice, some prayers, some comfort...anything that you think might help. Cause at this point I'm losing my mind and this deployment is succeeding in wrecking my marriage and breaking my heart.