Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by everything that you just feel like the world is caving in on you? It's only been two weeks since my husband left, and I thought I was doing "okay" until yesterday. The stress of moving to a new place, saying goodbye to my husband for the next 10-11 months, going back to working at my miserable job, and trying to figure out how we would make it if the government shut down was all a little too much for me to handle. It just seems like its always one thing after another going wrong in my life. All week I had been following the budget crisis on the news and internet, praying they would come up with a decision before Friday so my husband would still receive his full paycheck. Like a lot of military families, we don't have any money in savings and are living paycheck to paycheck.
When we were living in military housing my husband's check wasn't even enough to cover all of our bills...and that wasn't even counting food and gas for both of our cars. I HAD to get a job just so we could make ends meet. We started saving once we got our income taxes back and set that aside so we could move out of military housing and into an apartment so we could save money in rent every month. Moving proved to be expensive, since we had to purchase boxes, rent a u-haul and fill it up with gas, rent a storage unit for all the stuff we couldn't fit into the apartment, pay pro-rated rent for the last week of March when we moved in, and pay the full month's rent for April on the 1st.
All in all it was very expensive, and to top it all off, the lovely Lincoln Military housing makes you pay rent in arrears, which means when you move in they do not start taking the rent from your allotment on the 1st of the month like normal places would...instead they wait until the 15th, so you are always 2 weeks behind. Which meant for us that even though we moved out before the end of the month we still had to pay rent again on the 1st of April. That was more than a little frustrating since now ALL of our savings was gone. Flash forward to this week and I was REALLY really worried about not getting paid. This couldn't have been worse timing!!!
My husband had emailed me and told me it was looking pretty official that we would only be receiving half a paycheck on the 15th. Of course I was panicking, but more than that I was ANGRY. I can't even begin to comprehend how the American government could let this whole situation get so out of hand. I was disgusted, upset and frustrated. When I confided in my husband about how I felt, he nonchalantly brushed my worries aside as if I was acting silly for being worried. He told me that I needed to "Calm down because I was bugging him." Those were his exact words. This made me even more mad and I was literally so angry I was on the verge of tears.
A few mean emails later and I had given my husband a piece of my mind and basically told him to shove it. I couldn't believe that he wasn't worried about how I would pay the bills, put gas in my car or be able to buy food if we weren't able to receive our full paycheck. It made me feel like he really could care less about my well being and that as long as he was taken care of, nothing else mattered. I knew he wasn't worried because he is out floating around in the ocean, and whether we get paid or not he would still have a roof over his head and food to eat everyday. I still can't grasp why he felt the need to be so rude and condescending.
And for the first time since he left I realized I'm not doing as "okay" as I thought. I had all these emotions surfacing and I couldn't believe how angry I was...not just about not receiving a paycheck, but about our whole situation right now. Two deployments in two years is a lot, especially when you are a newlywed couple. The navy has given us a lot of blessings, but at the same time we have been robbed of so many things because of it. We spent 10 months out of our first year of marriage apart, and now we are spending another 10-11 months apart again this year. I feel like as soon as we gain some strength and start working together more and getting along better the navy decides its time for him to leave again, and we are right back to fighting and being miserable again.
I know I've done this whole "deployment" thing before, but it was so hard at times that I questioned whether or not our relationship was strong enough to make it. My husband has a tendency to not treat me right while he is gone. Its like he becomes a much meaner, and colder person when he is on deployment...and it's something I haven't been looking forward to. This time I just feel like I can't put up with being treated that way again, and that's why I went off on him and basically told him to leave me alone. I just needed some time to clear my head and get my emotions in check. I don't regret going off because he needs to realize how hard this whole situation is for me.
Everything happened so fast and I don't have the support of my family and friends being close by like I did last year. I know he is going through being gone too, but he seems to not even care...which also bothers me. I think it was just the combination of all these things piling up and I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I know I'm strong but everyone has a breaking point, and yesterday I reached mine. I had a breakdown, I yelled...I cried...and I realized that the rest of the year is going to be a lot harder than I thought. I'm sorry for writing such a "pity party" post but this is just how I'm feeling right now.