Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Perfect Christmas Present...

As most of you know, I've been feeling sort of blue lately since I'm gonna be spending the Holidays away from my family for the first time, but I think I found the perfect Christmas present to get for my nieces! :) I was watching tv the other night and I came across this commercial...

 Being so far away from my love bugs has proven to be so much harder than I thought, and I miss them more everyday. I think one of these recordable story books would be an amazing way for me to be there for them, even though I am not physically there. :) I really think they are going to love them and now I just have to decide which books to get. As for the rest of my family, we're doing a secret santa exchange since money is a little tight this year and I am excited to go shopping for those gifts as well. :) Its so nice to have something to look forward to, and I can't wait for the Holidays! ♥

What gifts do you have your eye on this Holiday season?


Friday, November 5, 2010

Things that make me smile... :)

With so much bad news lately, I figured I could use a smile on my little face. :) Here's whats making me smile this week...
Don't ask me why but this commercial makes me so happy! This little bundle of joy looks so adorable zooming around the world in his walker and I can't help but sing this tune all day after watching it! :) It drives my hubby crazy, but I know its only cause he thinks he's adorable too, but just won't admit it! lol!
Then there's my adorable fur baby Miss Tulip!♥ She is so funny and is always happy to see me! :) She's my snuggle buddy and loves to sit on my lap while I watch tv or blog.
These are my adorable nieces Bella Bug and Bailey Vamp...♥ They looked so precious this Halloween, and even though we were far apart they are always with me in my heart. ♥
And of course there is my sexy and amazingly loving husband. This man has my heart the way no other man ever has. ♥ I am so thankful that the Lord gave me the best husband I could possibly ask for. He gets my jokes, finishes my sentences, rubs my feet after a long day at work, and spoils me with surprises that I never deserve. I love that we have so much fun laughing and being silly together. :)
And then there is the amazing pumpkin bread I made last night, with actual pumpkin puree that I made myself, none of that canned stuff! ;) I was too lazy to take a picture of the bread I made, so heres the recipe picture. Close enough...lol!
It came out fabulous btw and my husbands office loved it! They killed an entire loaf I sent with him this morning and he said it was a huge hit. :) What can I say, my mom and grammi are both amazing cooks, so hopefully I learned something from their awesomeness!

I am also loving this song that Jordan introduced me to, and I am adopting it as my official deployment theme song. The lyrics are inspiring to me, and give me the hope to keep going in the face of hardship and heartache. Don't worry, I'm hanging on everyone! And even though I feel like crying sometimes, I'm gonna try my best to keep on smiling. :)

Whats making you smile this week? :)


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Sometimes you just need a friend...

I think all milspouses would agree that being "married to the military," is by no means a walk in the park. We all have our good days, and then there are the days that no matter how hard you try, they seem to get the best of you. I've had alot of those days lately and am trying my best to stay positive. The last thing I want is to let Satan win by letting myself be miserable all the time, but there is only so much I can take before I start to lose it.

I waited a month to post anything about my husband's second deployment simply because I couldn't even find the words to describe how hurt and frightened I am for him to leave again. But I found that once I got it all off my chest, I felt so much better and I would like to say thank you to every single person who left me words of encouragement and offers of prayer. Reading your comments made me realize that although this is going to royally suck, somehow I will make it through the next year and few months.

I know that although my husband chose to join the navy, he did not choose to go on back to back deployments and spend nearly all of our first two years of marriage apart. I know he loves me and wishes nothing more than to be able to finally have a normal life together, but I also know that everything happens for a reason and for some reason my  hubby is leaving me again already. I am trying my best to be strong for him and not show how much this hurts me, but I will admit I have my days where finding the good in things can be really hard for me.

Today my husband emailed me from work and dropped yet another "bad news bomb," on me. I had already submitted my vacation for work during December and so had my hubby. We were going to be able to spend Christmas together and enjoy our last holiday together before his work ups begin. But nope, the navy decided that he can't take leave until December 29th, which means he will most likely have to work on Christmas day. So not only will he be gone for Christmas next year, but now we don't even get to spend it together this year either. :(

Seeing as I have no family here and hardly any friends, I will more than likely be spending my Christmas alone. I know this is something I should be used to by now, especially after spending every holiday since last October apart, but for some reason it just never gets easier. I couldn't help but get teary eyed when I read his message and realized now we wouldn't be able to take vacation at the same time.  I guess when it rains it pours, huh? 

Its days like today when I feel overwhelmed and realize theres no way I can deal with this lifestyle and keep my marriage in tact without the Lord's help. I may be strong, but I am not this strong and I know that only the Lord will be able to get me through the next year. I also know in my heart that he puts people in our lives for a reason, whether it be to make you laugh, comfort you when you cry, or just to listen when you need a friend. So thank you everyone for all the support and prayers...because sometimes, and especially on days like today, you just need a friend. :)


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Just When I thought we were finally off the roller coaster...

So most of you who've been reading my blog for awhile know that my hubby just recently came home from his first deployment. Due to training, and the deployment we were separated for 10 months and I'm not gonna lie it was the most difficult thing we've ever been through. I spent some of the loneliest nights by myself crying myself to sleep just because I missed him so much. I spent nearly every holiday for a whole year without him, and every time I did find myself smiling or having a good time, I couldn't help but stop and think, "I wish my hubby was here. That would make this 100 times better than it already is."

We had our share of fights, and there were times when I questioned whether or not our marriage could make it through something so awful. The last month before he returned home to the states and I moved to Virginia was probably the toughest. I had to say good bye to my family and friends who had supported me and helped me so much while he was away. I had to say good bye to my home and start a new life here, and that was very frightening to me, but also exciting.

The last few weeks before he came home I was a nervous wreck. Things had been pretty rough between us the last few months of the deployment, and I honestly wondered whether or not things would be the same between us. This may sound dumb, but I was scared that he wasn't even going to give me a hug or a kiss when we first saw each other. I was having nightmares about us and woke up crying and shaking, paralyzed by the fear that I was letting get the best of me.

Finally the day came for my husband to return home to me. I've never been more anxious for anything in my entire life, and I didn't sleep a wink the whole night before. As I drove to the pier and waited for 3 hours for his ship to pull in, my stomach was doing a million flip flops and I felt like I was gonna fall over! But finally it happened. The ship pulled in, and they let everyone off. I dashed down the pier through the huge crowd of people and spotted my sailor. I ran up and threw my arms around him, and to my relief he was smiling and hugged me tight. :) He had a dozen roses waiting for me and I couldn't have been happier.

As we walked along the pier and towards  our car, I remember thinking, "God, I am so glad that's over with...and I am dreading the next one!" I know it may have sounded premature seeing as we were told he wouldn't be deployed for another 2 years or so, but for some reason after everything we had been through, my heart was telling me otherwise. My husband had only been home for a month and a half when he came home from work one day and said his infamous line, "Baby, I have HORRIBLE news." Now, I know I've talked about this before, but when my hubby says this line, it really always has been horrible news...so every time he says it I feel like I'm going to throw up!

He had just gotten home from being underway all week and I went to the pier to pick him up and ended up waiting for 3 hours before they would let him go home. After working all day, then sitting in the car by myself for three hours I was not in the best of moods, but I was grateful when I saw my hubby walking toward my car. He kissed me and apologized for making me wait so long, and then hopped in the car. Once we were driving home he dropped the "horrible news bomb" on me. My heart sank, I felt nauseous and I started to sweat...I knew I should have listened to my heart in the first place. I knew I shouldn't have trusted a thing the navy has ever said to us.

Thats right, after only a month and a half of being home after an 8 month deployment, my husband found out his ship is getting deployed again. They were supposed to be home for 2 years and I was looking forward to finally having a semi normal life with my husband. Doing husband and wife things, like, well you know...living together, spending holidays together, going on dates, etc. Doing all the things we missed out on during our entire first year of marriage because he was in training and then got deployed right away. And now that dream is gone and frankly, I'm heart broken once again.

I know the navy isn't all bad but honestly I feel like we are the ones who get screwed time and time again. There are other ships who should be going on this deployment, but for some reason they aren't, and even though I know there's nothing I can do about it, I still can't help but be angry. I feel cheated and I know this is my husband's job and he has to do what the navy says, but sometimes its just really hard to deal with everything they throw our way. Not only did they move us 2,700 miles away from home, but now they are deploying my husband again so soon. How do they expect the families and marriages to survive when they put the sailors and their families through this?

I really don't understand it. I know they need ships out there, but it should be fair and when a ship has been gone for 8 months they should have more than a month at home before they find out the are leaving again. The sailors deserve to be home with their wives and families too, and it just breaks my heart for them even more than for myself, because they know they have to go back and I know that's the last thing they want to do after just returning home to their loved ones.

After just making it through the hardest and most awful experience of my life I DO NOT feel ready to start it all over again!!!! I AM NOT ready to be in a new city and state all by myself, with no family and few friends for support while he is away. And between work ups before the deployment and the actual deployment, my husband and I are going to spend every SINGLE holiday apart for an entire year. He will miss both our birthdays, wedding anniversary and all the other holidays next year. I really don't know how I am going to make it through all this. I AM NOT ready to let him go again, and I AM NOT ready to go through the lonely nights, the missing him blues, the horrible fights, the worrying, and everything else that goes along with deployments all over again.

I need time to heal from the last one, I still feel bruised and broken from everything we went through during and after his last deployment. Last year when we found out he was deploying right away it was like someone stabbed me in the heart and all my hopes and dreams of being with my husband were crushed in an instant. This time it felt even worse, because we had just made it through the deployment nightmare and now we have to start all over again. Now that I know what a deployment is like and I know whats in store for us, that makes it all the more frightening. I'm sorry this post has turned into a novel, but I just needed to finally let this all out. I've been avoiding writing and blogging in general because this upcoming deployment has been plaguing my thoughts and emotions for the last month, but I am finally realizing that I can't hide from the reality of our situation forever. So in a few months, it looks like we'll be jumping back on the "deployment roller coaster" and this time, I might just lose my sanity.


Monday, November 1, 2010

Happy Halloween!

This year Halloween was a lot more special than most, simply because my hubby was able to be home to spend it with me. :) He was underway pretty much all month and got home just in time for Halloween...which of course made me ecstatic! Being the big cheese ball that I am, I decided to get us both costumes, and heres what we came up with...
 He was exhausted from working all week and didn't feel like going out so we got ourselves gussied up and handed out candy to our neighborhood trick or treaters, had a fabulous dinner and watched scary movies all night. And even though we didn't go out and party or get smashed like most people do, we had an amazing night. ♥
How did everyone else spend their Halloween? I hope you all had a fabulous Holiday! ♥