So most of you who've been reading my blog for awhile know that my hubby just recently came home from his first deployment. Due to training, and the deployment we were separated for 10 months and I'm not gonna lie it was the most difficult thing we've ever been through. I spent some of the loneliest nights by myself crying myself to sleep just because I missed him so much. I spent nearly every holiday for a whole year without him, and every time I did find myself smiling or having a good time, I couldn't help but stop and think, "I wish my hubby was here. That would make this 100 times better than it already is."
We had our share of fights, and there were times when I questioned whether or not our marriage could make it through something so awful. The last month before he returned home to the states and I moved to Virginia was probably the toughest. I had to say good bye to my family and friends who had supported me and helped me so much while he was away. I had to say good bye to my home and start a new life here, and that was very frightening to me, but also exciting.
The last few weeks before he came home I was a nervous wreck. Things had been pretty rough between us the last few months of the deployment, and I honestly wondered whether or not things would be the same between us. This may sound dumb, but I was scared that he wasn't even going to give me a hug or a kiss when we first saw each other. I was having nightmares about us and woke up crying and shaking, paralyzed by the fear that I was letting get the best of me.
Finally the day came for my husband to return home to me. I've never been more anxious for anything in my entire life, and I didn't sleep a wink the whole night before. As I drove to the pier and waited for 3 hours for his ship to pull in, my stomach was doing a million flip flops and I felt like I was gonna fall over! But finally it happened. The ship pulled in, and they let everyone off. I dashed down the pier through the huge crowd of people and spotted my sailor. I ran up and threw my arms around him, and to my relief he was smiling and hugged me tight. :) He had a dozen roses waiting for me and I couldn't have been happier.
As we walked along the pier and towards our car, I remember thinking, "God, I am so glad that's over with...and I am dreading the next one!" I know it may have sounded premature seeing as we were told he wouldn't be deployed for another 2 years or so, but for some reason after everything we had been through, my heart was telling me otherwise. My husband had only been home for a month and a half when he came home from work one day and said his infamous line, "Baby, I have HORRIBLE news." Now, I know I've talked about this before, but when my hubby says this line, it really always has been horrible news...so every time he says it I feel like I'm going to throw up!
He had just gotten home from being underway all week and I went to the pier to pick him up and ended up waiting for 3 hours before they would let him go home. After working all day, then sitting in the car by myself for three hours I was not in the best of moods, but I was grateful when I saw my hubby walking toward my car. He kissed me and apologized for making me wait so long, and then hopped in the car. Once we were driving home he dropped the "horrible news bomb" on me. My heart sank, I felt nauseous and I started to sweat...I knew I should have listened to my heart in the first place. I knew I shouldn't have trusted a thing the navy has ever said to us.
Thats right, after only a month and a half of being home after an 8 month deployment, my husband found out his ship is getting deployed again. They were supposed to be home for 2 years and I was looking forward to finally having a semi normal life with my husband. Doing husband and wife things, like, well you know...living together, spending holidays together, going on dates, etc. Doing all the things we missed out on during our entire first year of marriage because he was in training and then got deployed right away. And now that dream is gone and frankly, I'm heart broken once again.
I know the navy isn't all bad but honestly I feel like we are the ones who get screwed time and time again. There are other ships who should be going on this deployment, but for some reason they aren't, and even though I know there's nothing I can do about it, I still can't help but be angry. I feel cheated and I know this is my husband's job and he has to do what the navy says, but sometimes its just really hard to deal with everything they throw our way. Not only did they move us 2,700 miles away from home, but now they are deploying my husband again so soon. How do they expect the families and marriages to survive when they put the sailors and their families through this?
I really don't understand it. I know they need ships out there, but it should be fair and when a ship has been gone for 8 months they should have more than a month at home before they find out the are leaving again. The sailors deserve to be home with their wives and families too, and it just breaks my heart for them even more than for myself, because they know they have to go back and I know that's the last thing they want to do after just returning home to their loved ones.
After just making it through the hardest and most awful experience of my life I DO NOT feel ready to start it all over again!!!! I AM NOT ready to be in a new city and state all by myself, with no family and few friends for support while he is away. And between work ups before the deployment and the actual deployment, my husband and I are going to spend every SINGLE holiday apart for an entire year. He will miss both our birthdays, wedding anniversary and all the other holidays next year. I really don't know how I am going to make it through all this. I AM NOT ready to let him go again, and I AM NOT ready to go through the lonely nights, the missing him blues, the horrible fights, the worrying, and everything else that goes along with deployments all over again.
I need time to heal from the last one, I still feel bruised and broken from everything we went through during and after his last deployment. Last year when we found out he was deploying right away it was like someone stabbed me in the heart and all my hopes and dreams of being with my husband were crushed in an instant. This time it felt even worse, because we had just made it through the deployment nightmare and now we have to start all over again. Now that I know what a deployment is like and I know whats in store for us, that makes it all the more frightening. I'm sorry this post has turned into a novel, but I just needed to finally let this all out. I've been avoiding writing and blogging in general because this upcoming deployment has been plaguing my thoughts and emotions for the last month, but I am finally realizing that I can't hide from the reality of our situation forever. So in a few months, it looks like we'll be jumping back on the "deployment roller coaster" and this time, I might just lose my sanity.