Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Just When I thought we were finally off the roller coaster...

So most of you who've been reading my blog for awhile know that my hubby just recently came home from his first deployment. Due to training, and the deployment we were separated for 10 months and I'm not gonna lie it was the most difficult thing we've ever been through. I spent some of the loneliest nights by myself crying myself to sleep just because I missed him so much. I spent nearly every holiday for a whole year without him, and every time I did find myself smiling or having a good time, I couldn't help but stop and think, "I wish my hubby was here. That would make this 100 times better than it already is."

We had our share of fights, and there were times when I questioned whether or not our marriage could make it through something so awful. The last month before he returned home to the states and I moved to Virginia was probably the toughest. I had to say good bye to my family and friends who had supported me and helped me so much while he was away. I had to say good bye to my home and start a new life here, and that was very frightening to me, but also exciting.

The last few weeks before he came home I was a nervous wreck. Things had been pretty rough between us the last few months of the deployment, and I honestly wondered whether or not things would be the same between us. This may sound dumb, but I was scared that he wasn't even going to give me a hug or a kiss when we first saw each other. I was having nightmares about us and woke up crying and shaking, paralyzed by the fear that I was letting get the best of me.

Finally the day came for my husband to return home to me. I've never been more anxious for anything in my entire life, and I didn't sleep a wink the whole night before. As I drove to the pier and waited for 3 hours for his ship to pull in, my stomach was doing a million flip flops and I felt like I was gonna fall over! But finally it happened. The ship pulled in, and they let everyone off. I dashed down the pier through the huge crowd of people and spotted my sailor. I ran up and threw my arms around him, and to my relief he was smiling and hugged me tight. :) He had a dozen roses waiting for me and I couldn't have been happier.

As we walked along the pier and towards  our car, I remember thinking, "God, I am so glad that's over with...and I am dreading the next one!" I know it may have sounded premature seeing as we were told he wouldn't be deployed for another 2 years or so, but for some reason after everything we had been through, my heart was telling me otherwise. My husband had only been home for a month and a half when he came home from work one day and said his infamous line, "Baby, I have HORRIBLE news." Now, I know I've talked about this before, but when my hubby says this line, it really always has been horrible every time he says it I feel like I'm going to throw up!

He had just gotten home from being underway all week and I went to the pier to pick him up and ended up waiting for 3 hours before they would let him go home. After working all day, then sitting in the car by myself for three hours I was not in the best of moods, but I was grateful when I saw my hubby walking toward my car. He kissed me and apologized for making me wait so long, and then hopped in the car. Once we were driving home he dropped the "horrible news bomb" on me. My heart sank, I felt nauseous and I started to sweat...I knew I should have listened to my heart in the first place. I knew I shouldn't have trusted a thing the navy has ever said to us.

Thats right, after only a month and a half of being home after an 8 month deployment, my husband found out his ship is getting deployed again. They were supposed to be home for 2 years and I was looking forward to finally having a semi normal life with my husband. Doing husband and wife things, like, well you together, spending holidays together, going on dates, etc. Doing all the things we missed out on during our entire first year of marriage because he was in training and then got deployed right away. And now that dream is gone and frankly, I'm heart broken once again.

I know the navy isn't all bad but honestly I feel like we are the ones who get screwed time and time again. There are other ships who should be going on this deployment, but for some reason they aren't, and even though I know there's nothing I can do about it, I still can't help but be angry. I feel cheated and I know this is my husband's job and he has to do what the navy says, but sometimes its just really hard to deal with everything they throw our way. Not only did they move us 2,700 miles away from home, but now they are deploying my husband again so soon. How do they expect the families and marriages to survive when they put the sailors and their families through this?

I really don't understand it. I know they need ships out there, but it should be fair and when a ship has been gone for 8 months they should have more than a month at home before they find out the are leaving again. The sailors deserve to be home with their wives and families too, and it just breaks my heart for them even more than for myself, because they know they have to go back and I know that's the last thing they want to do after just returning home to their loved ones.

After just making it through the hardest and most awful experience of my life I DO NOT feel ready to start it all over again!!!! I AM NOT ready to be in a new city and state all by myself, with no family and few friends for support while he is away. And between work ups before the deployment and the actual deployment, my husband and I are going to spend every SINGLE holiday apart for an entire year. He will miss both our birthdays, wedding anniversary and all the other holidays next year. I really don't know how I am going to make it through all this. I AM NOT ready to let him go again, and I AM NOT ready to go through the lonely nights, the missing him blues, the horrible fights, the worrying, and everything else that goes along with deployments all over again.

I need time to heal from the last one, I still feel bruised and broken from everything we went through during and after his last deployment. Last year when we found out he was deploying right away it was like someone stabbed me in the heart and all my hopes and dreams of being with my husband were crushed in an instant. This time it felt even worse, because we had just made it through the deployment nightmare and now we have to start all over again. Now that I know what a deployment is like and I know whats in store for us, that makes it all the more frightening. I'm sorry this post has turned into a novel, but I just needed to finally let this all out. I've been avoiding writing and blogging in general because this upcoming deployment has been plaguing my thoughts and emotions for the last month, but I am finally realizing that I can't hide from the reality of our situation forever. So in a few months, it looks like we'll be jumping back on the "deployment roller coaster" and this time, I might just lose my sanity.



  1. Oh my gosh, I cannot believe that this is happening. I mean with the military I can, but it just seems so unfair. It is SO soon, I feel like that is not even time to adjust at all being back home or going back over.I will be praying for you.

  2. I'm so sorry :(

    We've had a similar deployment schedule... I had my husband home for a month between his first and second deployments, and while on his second deployment, he found out he would only have two weeks home before he had to leave again for the third. And we already know he has another one coming up in the spring. I know we signed up for this, but that doesn't mean it's easy or that we have to enjoy it.

    Do you have the option to go home, at least for a little? Or at least to have some friends/family come out and visit? It really does help. And if you have a job or go to school, it helps time pass. I came home to CA for this deployment because I didn't want to be in GA alone again, but I've actually surprised myself and am missing some of my friends in Georgia.

    I know it sucks, but you *can* handle it and you guys *will* survive it. Get involved with your FRG if you can, and know that your fellow milspouse bloggers are always around to give you support and listen when you need it. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers!

  3. This is crazy! I am new to all this, but the Hubs is stationed on a ship, and I am dreading when he comes home and tells me he is getting deployed! We are going to be in Norfolk also, but luckily for me it is only 7 hours away from our home town. I can't even imagine what emotions you are going through right now. I will be praying for you and your husband!

  4. I am so sorry sweet cheeks. You were a super trooper with the first deployment, and as much as you dread the next one you will be just as strong. Just remember to rely on God and He will see you both through this. xoxo

  5. I wish it wasn't like that for you and I pray that perhaps something will change (sometimes I'm hopeful ;) ). It's time like these that you find your inner strength but that doesn't mean that you are not entitled to feel all the emotions you described. It is a roller coaster and it sucks. We've been down the road before as well and it's hard. Enjoy the small moments, I lift you up in prayer.

  6. I honestly can't believe they would deploy again so soon. You totally ate being cheated and that's not fair. Some of T's buddies have deployed again already but only because they volunteered. You have every right to feel like you do because it isn't right int opinion. Families need to have time between tours to know and spend tome with their loved ones. Your strong and you'll be able to male it through this crappy situation .


  7. The Army is like this too... they don't deploy units fairly at all. Here at Ft Bragg they are a revolving door, one year home, one year deployed... yet other units at different posts go 3-4 years before they deploy again. It sucks, but there isnt really anything any of us wives can do :(

  8. Im am so sorry about that doll! My husband returned from an 18 month deployment (1 year in afghanistan) and it was rough. but all i can say is hang in there. this is the life we choose when we marry military men, and not just any woman can handle it. youve already proven it to yourself that you can handle it. you can do it again. just remember that he is so lucky to not be actually going to Afghanistan or Iraq and that he'll be on a ship. i remember when my husband was in the Navy and he was on deployment and thinking how hard it was on us. then he joined the Army National Guard and one month after our daughter was born was deployed to Afghanistan. man, i had no idea what i was doing and then knowing my husband was in such a dangerous location...everything was on the line. im not gloating or anything by any means, i just want you to feel at least the tiniest better about your situation. hang in there girly. you got this.

  9. I am so sorry to hear that. Deployments aren't fun, that's for sure, but back to back like that, isn't fun at all. I'm sorry that you are being put through this. Us military wives stick together, that's what makes us such an awesome group or people. We really are "The Few, The Proud, The Military Spouses." I know us internet friends aren't physical friends, but we will be here for you no matter what :) It will be alright, keep your chin up. :)

  10. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this all again. Even though it's the military and nothing ever seems to go how we want it to, it still seems completely unfair. You deserve to have time with him before he has to deploy again. Keep your chin up and stay the strong woman you are! You'll get through it! Sending prayers and *hugs* your way! And just know that whenever you need support, we are all here for you!

  11. Urgh I am so sorry this totally sucks and doesn't seem like a fair deployment schedule at all. I know you are hurting I know its hard, I have been there done that with the crying through lonely nights. I am thinking of you, praying for u and wishing I could put a smile on your face. We are all "here" for you to vent and talk through this. You can do this though and YOU WILL because you love your husband. Good luck with it all and protect your little bruised heart huni, you are stronger than you believe

  12. I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully it won't be for as long. You will make it, I have faith in you. Keep your chin up and try to enjoy every minute you have together until he leaves. And who knows maybe they'll change their minds before then.

  13. I send you cyber hugs! I remember the day my hubby told me about his second deployment...we had a lot more time inbetween them though. You are right about needing time to heal inbetween them!! :( hugs and blessings

  14. Hang in there.

    There's not much to say about it because we all know the drill and we all go through these roller coasters.

    The best thing I can say is to spend every second you have right now loving that man with everything you've got. And spend time loving yourself too. That will be what gets you through.


  15. Oh no:(:(:( Not cool!!! I'll be praying for you guys!!!

  16. I'm sorry to hear that :( I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now, all I can do is keep you in my prayers. Stay strong, and lean on God. Sending you lots of hugs!

  17. I'm sorry that y'all have to deal with all this! Stay strong in prayer!
    I can totally empathize. We just moved to va beach four days ago and my husband just left for bahrain yesterday, with literally 12 hours notice! I don't know anyone or where anything is, I don't even have a couch! I feel so alone.
    If you ever need to talk or anything, feel free to email me!

  18. I know I've already talked to you about this but I am so sorry lovey. Its not fair at all but I know you are an incredibly strong woman and you WILL get through this. Loves!