Homecoming Happenings

As my husband's homecoming gets closer and closer it's the little things that have finally made it start to feel real for me. Last night I finished the amazing homecoming sign I made for him, (with the help of the always lovely Brittany, my bloggy & real life friend & her AWESOME cricut) and I am so proud of how it turned out. I hope he loves it and it makes him smile. :) I would post a photo but my dear husband actually reads my blog so I'll have to keep you in suspense until the official homecoming post, sorry to be a tease! ;)

I also got an email last night from our FRG about the end of deployment party and I am so excited. This deployment has seriously felt NEVER-ENDING and so the fact that it is finally almost over is a little hard for my brain to process. I attended a homecoming readiness and reintegration meeting through the fleet and family center and it was actually really great to talk about the feelings this event brings out in all of us wives waiting eagerly for our husbands' returns. The excitements, fears, worries, things we plan to do etc. 

We actually wrote them all out on some posters and the women from fleet & family took them to the ships and had the same meeting with the sailors on board my husbands ship. I got to send along with them a card to be hand delivered and I loved hearing from my husband how much he loved it. Today they had the meeting and he said it was actually helpful and made him feel like it was finally real as well. He also informed me of a few sweet things he has planned for me the day after he gets home. ♥ 

 Although my husband is far from perfect, (as am I) he is the one person on this planet that really gets me. He knows me inside & out and I am always amazed at how hard he tries to show me his love. Sure we've had more than our fair share of disagreements over the last 11 months but any couple who says they "never fought" during deployment or that they have a "perfect marriage" is full of crap. (Excuse my french).

Marriage is hard. You have  to consistently try to be a kind and loving spouse, to make time for one another, to make each other feel loved & valued and all that is hard enough without throwing the military & never-ending deployments into it. The navy has thrown a wrench in our marriage several times and there were a few I'll admit I wasn't sure we'd make it through, but somehow we have.

Were there times we both wanted to call it quits? Sure. Giving up is always easier than trying. But I am so proud of us both because neither one of us did. I love my husband 100 times more today than I did two years ago when we said "I do." We've been through hell and back but it's all part of our journey. The love we share isn't perfect, but it is real. And for me that is more than enough. ♥

Almost There

I can't believe it. In a few short weeks we will have survived deployment number 2. This has been an extremely long one and my husband's ship has made history for being on the longest naval deployment since WWII. As crazy and hard as it has been I am thankful for this journey. I've learned so much about myself over the past year and more than ever I have faith in the Lord and my marriage.

I hate to admit it but I'll be completely honest in saying there was a big part of me that felt like we wouldn't make it through this deployment. I am still amazed that we did. I truly believe God used our circumstances to stretch us out of our comfort zones, test our limits and make us reach out for him. I know there's no way I'd have survived the last year without his love and the love and support of my amazing family and friends I have made here in Virginia. For all of these things I am incredibly grateful. 

Now that we are nearing the end, I ask for prayers to give me the strength to get through the last leg of this deployment and to help my husband and I have a smooth readjustment period. I am really nervous about him coming home and us being "married" again. I have lived completely alone the last year and know that sharing my space and just getting used to each other again is going to be difficult at times. Thank you and the prayers will be much appreciated. :) 

And last but not least I'm sorry for being a ghost over the last year. Blogging used to be my outlet but I found that the only way I could get through this never-ending deployment was not to dwell on how depressed or lonely I was, but just to live my life. Even if that meant not writing out every detail of it. Anyway, if anyone still even reads this, Thank you. ♥

Goodbye

There is so much meaning behind those words. Leaving something in the past and moving ahead towards your future, bright and uncertain. The New Year always brings about a sense of nostalgia for the year that has passed, remembering your tragedies & triumphs as you hope for a better year to come. This year you can bet I was happy, no ecstatic even, to kiss 2011 goodbye & welcome 2012 with open arms.

Over the last year I have learned a lot about myself & life, but mostly I've learned that you can't control everything. You can try, but you will always fail. One person can change your life in the most inexplicable ways & it's really all up to fate. I guess what I'm trying to say is that 2011 was a tough year. The toughest year of my life so far, but I'm sure there will be more exhausting days to come & more tears than I'd like to cry.

But if I have learned one thing from 2011 it would have to be resilience. To pick myself up again & again after falling flat on my face. When my husband deployed in March I thought there was no way we could possibly make it through another whole year apart after we just got reacquainted. We had our share of fights, ups & downs & there were times when I think we both felt like giving up, but neither of us did.

There is no way I WILL EVER forget 2011, because it was the year I grew up. The year I officially became an adult & took care of myself. When most people went home for this deployment I stuck it out here by myself. I had some amazing friends of course, and my loving family back home but the one person I really wanted couldn't be here...And being here without him was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced.

I am so thankful to God for making me get out of bed everyday & keep going. To find the strength to get up & go to a job everyday that I hate, because as my husband says, "Everyone has to pay their dues." For keeping me sane, (ok, most of the time) & for reminding me to just breath. To take things one day at a time. To Forgive, to love & to let go of the things I simply can't change. If I didn't have my heavenly father watching out for me, guiding me through these trials, there is no way I'd still be standing. He loves me even though I'll never deserve it, & makes me want to be a better person.

With all that being said, I bid farewell to 2011 and hope that 2012 is a year of happiness, love and peace for myself & all the ones I love. You only live once, so remember not to waste a second of it. ♥

Thanksgiving Recap & an Update

Hello Lovelies! I don't know how many of you still even read my blog considering how sporadic my posts have been, but I figured an update was in store. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving spent with family and friends, not to mention plenty of good food. :)

I had a fabulous thanksgiving myself and successfully cooked my very first turkey!! I was so incredibly proud of how beautifully it turned out, and how delicious and juicy it was!  

I spent the day over at my deployment buddy Brittany's house and we both helped in making the entire dinner. She made some fabulous home made pumpkin pie, and I ended up eating dinner and dessert twice that day! Shhhhh don't tell! 

This is a glimpse of our feast. Homemade mashed potatoes and gravy made from the drippings, green bean casserole, stuffing, cranberry sauce and some regular and King's Hawaiian sweet rolls. Oh and of course my beautiful turkey seasoned to perfection with delicious rosemary, garlic, onion, butter and salt & pepper. Yum!

I still can't believe how fast the month of November has flown by, and I am so anxious for December to finally arrive! I haven't mentioned it on my blog but I am going home for Christmas to see my friends and family. I couldn't be more excited! The one thing that could make it even more special is if my husband were gonna be home to go too. 

It has been over 8 months since I've seen his face or kissed his lips, and I'll admit lately it has been getting to me that we wont be able to spend Christmas together again this year, (last year he had duty xmas day). This lifestyle has challenged me more in the last two years than any of my previous life experiences and continues to push my ideas of pain and suffering. 

Homecoming is still a while away but I am trying to keep my head up and a smile on my face. After all, what else can I do? Although it has been the biggest challenge to be without the other half of my heart for the greater part of the last two years, I keep telling myself that God has a plan. I know that although there are trials there is still plenty to be thankful for. And I am so grateful that although we're apart I still have the man I love and my family & friends.

Well lovelies it's time for bed and I have an early day at work tomorrow, but I promise to try and make more time for my blog. It's something I really miss.

Until next time-

Hello November!

I have been waiting for you all year. I kept telling myself that if I could make it to November it would all be "smooth sailing" from here. No pun intended...okay, maybe a little pun!

Now that you've arrived the days are flying off the calendar so quickly that I haven't even had a chance to blog but once so far this month and it's already the tenth! For some reason at the beginning of this deployment time just seemed to drag on and on. Maybe because it's a much longer deployment than last time, but for whatever reason it just seemed to take FOREVER!!!!

Now that we are on the tail end of things time isn't slowing down but speeding up. I guess it helps that I have been keeping myself insanely busy with work, trying to communicate with my husband, household chores, bills, and trying to have a social life. 

And because that wasn't enough for me I've also decided to become an independent beauty consultant with Mary Kay. I just signed up about a week ago and am ready to get going! I've been so lucky to have met a ton of amazing and wonderful women and am just excited to have the opportunity to make new friends here in va and to earn some extra money doing something I love. ♥

It's such a joy to have something to look forward to doing instead of the feeling I get when I go to work at the bank. (The "get me outta here!" feeling). Beauty and makeup is something I am definitely passionate about and I'm just excited to learn more and see my business grow. :) 

I've just gotten my WEBSITE up and running and would love to help my followers with any of their beauty or skincare needs. Go take a peek and sign up for emails, see limited edition products and try out the Mary Kay virtual makeover tool to see what looks great on you right from your computer! I can speak from personal use that these products are amazing and good for your skin!

You can also contact me via email: BrittneyT@marykay.com for any questions or concerns. I'd love to show you what amazing products Mary Kay has to offer! 

Well, I'm off to go meet with my director and get started on planning my debut party for this weekend. I'm so excited and can't wait to see how everything goes. :) Wish me luck!!!

Our Halloween Night

{Goodbye October!}

I can't believe October has already come and gone. It seems like the month literally flew by! It's been a bittersweet month for me, because for some reason Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. As a child I couldn't wait to get dressed up in the fabulous costumes my mother would make my sisters and I. Some of my fondest memories are of those Halloween nights. 

Not much has changed since then, except now that I'm an adult I pass out the candy instead of trick or treating but I still love to get dressed up. Usually I go all out and spend between $50-$80 on a costume and accessories since there was always a party to go to back home or something spooky to do. This year I intended on being a little more frugal and opted to not buy a costume. That was until Halloween came and I all of a sudden had the urge to dress up. {Great idea waiting til the last minute, don't ya think?}

So after work I rushed over to Wal-Mart and found some adorable kitty ears, glow bracelets and some candy for the trick or treaters. I was so proud of myself for only spending $12! For the rest of my costume I wore a black skirt, tights and a long sleeve black tee. I did my makeup to match my ears and voila. This kitty was ready to play! ;)

After I was dressed and ready I headed over to my deployment buddy Brittany's house. {Yes we are both Britt's so don't mess with us! haha} We made dinner, handed out candy and watched spooky shows like "Ghost Adventurers," all night. It was low key and relaxing and I loved seeing all the kids in their costumes! Even though I'm no where near ready for kids it made me look forward to having them in the future. 

Here is a photo of Britt and I dressed up...I was a naughty kitty and she was a sophisticated kitty! 

Brittany even got her dogs dressed up, {much to their dismay} and it was the cutest thing. Lady Puggle was a naughty pumpkin and Roland was a naughty hot dog. :0) Aren't they cute? 

We also had a Halloween gift exchange at work and I got my coworker these awesome goodies. I was so happy that she loved everything! ♥

All in all this has been such a wonderful past few days! My hubby was sweet enough to send me flowers on Sunday since he wasn't able to be home to spend Halloween with me. It really touched my heart that he bothered to do something sweet like that, he knows how much I love Halloween and I couldn't stop smiling all weekend!

I hope everyone else had a Happy & Safe Halloween! Now we're headed straight for November and I am so glad the Holidays will be here soon because that means we are getting closer and closer to the end of this deployment!!! I can't wait until next year to finally have my hubby home safe and sound. ♥ Here's hoping these next few months fly by!

Homecoming Outfit...HELP!

So with homecoming only a few months away, I am already thinking of what I want to wear the day my sailor is back in my arms. It's going to be winter and most likely freezing, but of course I still wanna look smokin' hot for my man! ;)

I already have an outfit in my head that I want to wear but I can't seem to find it anywhere I look! I've been scouring online sites to see if I can find anything, but so far there is nothing that really catches my eye.

I also have a hard time online shopping because of my size. I am tee tiny and most the time wear a zero in pants and an xs or small in shirts. It's extremely annoying! I wish I had a more womanly body...

Anyway, the vision I'm seeing in my head is a sweater dress with some leggings and a gorgeous pair of boots! I think that would do the trick...I'm gonna have to wear a jacket but I at least want to look good underneath. I need ideas! So far I've found ZIP, ZILCH, NADA that I like.

HELP!!! I would greatly appreciate any good links or photos of something that fits this description...I still have time but it will be here before we know it.

I love you like a love song baby

So remember a few days ago when I mentioned my hubby was up for Blue Jacket of the Year for his ship?? Well, HE WON!!!! 

I am so incredibly proud of my husband for all his hard work and dedication this past year and for the simple fact that he has made a positive outcome from this deployment. Congrats Baby!

To celebrate I thought I'd dedicate my song this week to my hubby. Today is Thursday and that means it's time to link up with Goodnight Moon and share the song that moves you this week. :) This is mine, cause I can't get it out of my head...Enjoy! ♥

.

Feeling Accomplished

Happy Tuesday Everyone! Today I'm feeling really good and have already done so much and it's barely 1:00 pm! I had physical therapy again this morning and got a hot wax treatment on my hand. It felt AMAZING! With the help of my exercises and therapy I have gained 20 degrees more flexibilty when letting my hand hang down and 10 degrees more flexibility when holding it with my palm facing up. 

My pain threshold still varies from day to day but always feels better when I give it some rest on my days off from work. I have a doctors appt this weekend with my primary to check in and see how things are going so far. I am feeling good and hopeful that my hand will be able to completely heal with therapy and exercise rather than needing surgery. Say a prayer for me that it all works out! :-) 

I am happy that I was able to meet two of the three goals my physical therapist set for me within the first two weeks and hopefully it will only get better from here! As for everything else I have been having a hard time with this deployment lately. I thought it would get easier once October got here, but with the holidays fast approaching it is becoming clear to me that the last few months are going to be the hardest. 

My hubby took his Blue Jacket of the Year test today and we are keeping our fingers crossed today that he wins so he can get capped at the end of this year! That would really help us out financially and would reward him for all of his hard work. However it pans out, I can say that I am extremely proud of my husband for all he has sacrificed these last two years and especially this year. The navy is no joke and they are getting their money's worth out of my husband..that's for sure!

I love you baby and I'm so proud of you! 

On another note, since we are close to being in the double digits soon, homecoming has been on my mind a lot lately. I need to start planning and getting ready for it, because although it's still a few months away I know it will be here faster than I think. 

This time around we want to go on a "stay-cation" and just stay in Virginia. We definitely want to get a nice hotel somewhere for a few days and just relax, have some date nights and pamper ourselves...Lord knows after an 11 month deployment we are both going to need it!

What are some fun "stay-cation" activities you've done?

Overwhelmed

I don't know what it is lately but I have been feeling completely overwhelmed. Between work and starting physical therapy for my hand I have been one busy bee. I'm going two to three times a week and I am really hoping I'll start to see some progress soon and get some flexibility and strength back in my hand.

On another note, My husband has been deployed for nearly seven months now and I can tell you that this deployment seems NEVER ENDING!!! It has been 204 days since we kissed goodbye and said, "Be seeing you." At first I could barely function and can openly admit I was more depressed than any other time in my life. 

I would have good days where I felt ok and bad days where I felt like I didn't even want to be living anymore. Days where it all seemed pointless and my husband and I were both so lonely, hurt and missing each other that we would fight over stupid little things. 

Now we are both doing better but most days I feel like I am just skating by. Going through the motions until he comes home and wishing I could wake up from this bad dream and have my husband back in my arms. 

I have been missing him so much lately and as much as I love to pretend I'm strong and everything is ok for his sake on the inside I am hurting. I never knew what it meant to love someone this much until I met my husband and have gone through 20 of the 26 months we've been married all alone. 

I keep telling myself the rest of this deployment is gonna fly by, but right now it can't go by fast enough. I want to have my best friend and the love of my life by my side to help me with the occurences of everyday life and to be there to lean on when times are hard.

I know this is all a learning and growing experience and I am trying to be faithful in the Lord and believe that there is some method to this madness...that there is some reason that we are going through all this now.

I know the bible says we will all face trials and tribulations but to be of good cheer because Jesus overcame the world, and I am trying very hard to trust in him and rely on his love and mercy to get me through the next few months. Please say a prayer for us, and ask the Lord to give us both strength. You can never underestimate the power of prayer! :)

As for everything else going on in my life, I am trying to find a balance and make time for myself. I have been spreading myself too thin the last few months and have gotten sick twice over a month and a half. I need more sleep, more relaxation and more "me time." I am always going, going, going and I feel like I'm gonna keel over and have a heart attack somedays!

So I apologize in advance if I haven't gotten the chance to comment on your blogs or keep in touch via facebook or twitter. Since my hand is still healing I have been trying not to use it too much and blogging tends to aggravate it. But I hope everyone has a great Friday!!

I actually Won!

Have I ever mentioned that I have terrible luck when it comes to winning giveaways? I know "winning isn't everything, " but no one can say they don't love winning something every now and then. :)

Recently I entered Chambanachik's giveaway for a copy of "Faith Deployed...Again" and I'm so excited to have been one of the two lucky winners!

Erica is a doll and I am so thankful for the chance to read this book and use it to help me get through the second half of this deployment.

So far time has been moving right along and I although I have been feeling better over all I still have my rough days. Right now I'm trying to stay focused on the positive and see the good things that have come from this deployment.

Sometimes that's easier said than done, but it's still worth trying. Here is what I have come up with so far:

1) It has given us the chance to pay off nearly all our credit card debts and to finally get new tires on my car and my brakes fixed! Hallelujah!

2) It has made me dig deep inside myself and keep going, even when I didn't feel like living anymore.

3)We have fought A LOT but we are finally at the point where we are both used to being alone and the whole "deployment" concept is easier to comprehend.

4) This deployment has brought out trust issues and secrets that would have otherwise stayed hidden for who knows how long. It could have broken us if we let it, but we have chosen to forgive and move forward.

5) I have finally known what it feels like to be completely on my own, living alone...without a husband, mom, sisters or room mates to lean on. I think it's something everyone should experience at least once in there life!

6) It has made me put myself out there and make more friends. When you don't have a husband to go on dates with or family to hang out with you tend to become more outgoing and just learn to make friends!

7) It has taught me to count my blessings and to be thankful for the good things about my husband...no matter how much he annoys me or makes me angry at times, I know I'm lucky to have a man who loves me as much as he does.

8) It has made me realize there are a lot of things I need to work on in myself, like being less selfish and more giving to others. I've also learned to let go of trying to control everything, which is easier said than done for this control freak.

Anyway, I'm off to work and it's sure to be another dreadfully boring day at the bank so I'm hoping today goes by fast! Is it 5:30 yet? ;)

Home

"Another summer day has come and gone away, in Paris and Rome...but I wanna go home. May be surrounded by a million people, I still feel all alone. Just wanna go home, oh I miss you, you know."

It's Thursday lovelies, and you know what that means. Head on over to Goodnight Moon and link up with whatever song moves you this week.

Lately I've been listening to my Michael Buble station on pandora before I go to sleep each night. I can never get tired of his silky smooth voice and sexy smile... ;) This song makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and makes me miss my husband even more than I already do, if that's even possible.

The words seem kind or eerily perfect for our situation right now. He has had the opportunity to visit amazing places and see beautiful things, but all he wants to do is come home to me. And that's all I can dream about. Until we meet again my love, know I'll be seeing you in my dreams each night.

"Another winter day has come and gone away in either Paris and Rome...and I wanna go home, let me go home. And I'm surrounded by a million people, I still feel alone. let me go home, oh I miss you, you know."

"Let me go home...I've had my run, baby I'm done...I gotta go home. Let me go home, it'll all be alright, I'll be home tonight, I'm coming back home."

Lazy (Labor) Day

Yesterday started off really, really bad. I'm not gonna get into details but I was pretty depressed and actually managed to stay in bed until 4:30 in the afternoon. I finally got up, only cause I needed to shower and was starving and then proceeded to eat wendy's for dinner and watch netflix all night. I started to feel a little better, but today I am kicking myself in the butt for not running all my errands and doing my chores yesterday so I could enjoy my day off today.

However, I can say that I really needed a day where I could just lay around and sleep all day. I am always going, going, going, and am usually exhausted. I needed to recharge my batteries and just THINK about a lot of things going on in my life. It was nice to have a day where I could just stay in bed and be comfy. That's usually what I feel like doing every week day, but instead I have to get up early and go to work at a job I hate.

Le sighhhhh...anyway, I am excited for fall and have decided to do a countdown until I go to home to California in December. As of now its a little more than three months away, and I'm praying it goes by fast! I can't wait to see everyone and just enjoy some time with the family and my besties back home. ♥ I hope you all have a Happy Tuesday! Hooray for short weeks! ;)

Baby You're a Firework

I don't know why but music has always had an inexplicable ability to amplify my feelings. For me it's not just about the beat or the artist, but more about the lyrics...they breathe life into a simple melody and suddenly you can see it all before your very own eyes. 

I have had Katy Perry's "California Dreams" album since last summer when it debuted and loved nearly every song on it. When they started playing "Firework" on the radio I was a bit surprised seeing as it wasn't one of my favorites. I never really stopped to listen to what she was singing about. 

Friday night I was driving to my friend Sarah's house, listening to that album when the song came on. And for the first time in probably 1,000 times of hearing this song I just stopped and listened. 

It may sound corny, or even silly to some...but the lyrics to this song inspired me on that sweltering hot Friday night. The last two years have been the most challenging and emotionally scarring years of my life. I have endured more pain and suffering than I would wish on anyone. 

Milspouses don't joke when they say this life isn't for everyone. It takes a special kind of breed to withstand the hardships, challenges, and curve balls the military lifestyle throws your way on a daily basis. You have to learn to grow thick skin, adapt to changes, make new friends and learn to live in the moment and always appreciate the little things. You learn not to take any time with the ones you love for granted.

Nothing can ever be planned, because once you start planning the military decides to change the plan and mess everything up. More often than not half the bed is cold and you find yourself making dinner for one instead of two.You spend months/years away from the love of your life that you will never get back. There is always a fear and uncertainty when they deploy and you wonder if God will bring them home safe and back into your arms once more.

But somehow, (and I am still trying to figure out how) you keep going. You keep getting up out of bed every day and breathing in and out. You find a way to live, even with all the craziness the military adds into the background of your life. 

I have had to dig deep inside myself to make it through the past two years, but I've had to dig even deeper over the last 4 months. I will be completely candid in saying these back to back and early 2nd deployment have nearly killed me. I think devastated would be the right term. 

But I am still here. I am still standing. And I am NOT giving up. 

There's something inside me that refuses to let the universe win and ruin my happiness and my marriage. Just like I told my husband yesterday, "It's you and me against the world." ♥

So when life has got you down and it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, just tell yourself, "Baby you're a firework."

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe"


Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Happy Wednesday!

I love Wednesdays because somehow knowing the week is half way over already gives me the hope and strength I need to keep going each day. Then soon enough the weekend appears and it is one more week of deployment down! :-) 

This week marks 4 months that my hubby has been deployed and I am so excited!! 

Even though we're only about a third of the way done I keep telling myself that if the next 4 months go by as fast as the first four then we will already be eight months in and almost in the home stretch! Then before I know it, next year will be right around the corner and my hubby will be home! ♥

I'm trying to keep up this positive attitude and stay extremely busy so the days fly by. Thank you everyone for all your kind words and support you left on this post.  

I was having a rough weekend to say the least, and it was one of those situations where thing after thing kept going wrong. I realize now that I have to get back up when I fall down, and pick up the pieces of my life. 

It's not always easy but I know if I persevere then it will all be worth it when my husband and I kiss each other for the first time in 11 months on the pier at homecoming. That is what my heart is waiting for. ♥

Happy Wednesday Everyone!!

I've been thinking...

I don't know why, but lately I have just been completely exhausted. I've been so busy with work, trying to make time to email and talk to my husband and just trying to keep the house clean that I feel like I'm on overload. Between paying bills, grocery shopping and cleaning my house, I haven't had much time for fun or blogging. So I do apologize to all my readers for being m.i.a. over the last month or so. It really does make me sad because I love blogging and I feel bad for letting all of this keep me from doing something I adore.

Next week we will be entering the three month mark of my husband's deployment and sadly we still don't have a homecoming date. That makes it extremely difficult to cope with him being gone. I really just wish we would find out when they are coming home so I can mentally prepare and know how long I have to endure this evil thing. :( I'll admit I have been trying to stay positive but am not having much success. I don't know why I am having such a hard time lately, but my anger issues seem to be rearing up again. Perhaps I need to invest in a punching bag or join a kickboxing class so I can get my frustration out in a healthy way. At least it's something to think about! ;)

Lately I find myself getting so mad that I want to punch people, especially my husband! I don't know why my anger about this deployment manifests itself towards him, but I can't help but find myself easily irritated and annoyed when talking to him. I know it is not his fault for being gone, but I can't help but feel abandoned by him. Our two year anniversary is coming up in August and it breaks my heart that I have spent nearly the entire two years of our marriage alone. Most of the time I don't even feel like I am married at all. I know it is not my husband's fault that he is gone and that if he could choose to stay home and be with me he would, but for some reason I'm still hurting. My head knows that's true but my heart is having a hard time comprehending it.

Lately I find myself pushing him away in hopes that it will make it easier for me to cope. I feel like sometimes he does the same thing too. I don't know how to stay close to him while he's gone without missing him so much that my heart is always hurting. It sounds crazy, and maybe I am going a little crazy with everything going on lately but I am praying I can find a way to make things better. I love my husband so much and the last thing I want to do is push him into someone else's arms. This lifestyle is incredibly lonely at times and can really put things into perspective as far as what's really important in your life. It has made me realize how important family and friends have been in supporting me through everything the navy has put us through over the last two years.

It's definitely been a long, hard and interesting journey, and has made me grow as a person...but I feel like I still have a lot of growing to do. I have also been thinking a lot about the future, since I have so much "alone" time to think about anything and everything under the sun. My job environment has sadly not gotten any better. In short, I am miserable there. It's creatively stifling, boring and just a horrible environment altogether. Nothing we do is ever good enough and I am not the only person who is miserable, pretty much everyone has expressed the same feelings. I have realized things are not going to get any better. So I have a tough choice to make. I have been searching for part time jobs so I can move on to something less stressful and more "part time."

College has been put on the back burner for me the last two years due to my husband's career. The timing of him joining boot camp and when we were supposed to move to va last year prevented me from enrolling in the spring of 2010. Then when my husband was deployed immediately after a-school last year, our move was put on hold until right before his return in August. With us moving, getting settled in and just starting out as a married couple things weren't exactly easy financially and I had to start working at the bank. What started out as part time has now become full time and left me feeling cheated of the opportunity to continue pursuing my education. 

Unlike some people I actually enjoy school, and it is my dream to finish college and become a history teacher. Experiencing all this heartache with the navy the last two years has made me realize that I MUST finish my education if we ever want to make it without the navy and if I ever want my husband to be around. Some people love this lifestyle, and although there are some perks that come along with it, I think there are alot more downfalls. 

I want the opportunity to spend holidays, birthdays and anniversaries with my husband. I want the opportunity to actually be able to work on our marriage. I don't know how to keep it alive from thousands of miles away, and I am running out of ideas and patience. In short, I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I am miserable, and I don't want to be. So today I am getting my butt in gear and going to the fleet and family support center to search for a new job and update my resume. Something has got to change in my life, and quickly before I lose my mind. I am the only one that can make that happen, so I am taking things into my own hands. Please say a prayer for me, I really need it! 

"You can't leave everything to fate...She's got a lot to do, sometimes you must give her a hand." 

Anyway, I must go throw myself into the world of job searching and making strides to change my unhappiness. Thanks for reading and I'm sorry this post ended up becoming a novel. I'll try and keep updating regularly so my posts aren't so long winded. :) I hope everyone has a happy Monday!

Walk a mile in my shoes

As human beings we are all guilty of judging others, sometimes even if we don't intend to. This deployment has been really hard for me at times, a lot harder than the first one was and recently I've realized it has made me a little jaded. Last year I was still living in California and was able to see my family quite often, I had the support of my best friends back home, and I also had the comfort that comes along with the familiarity of being at home. It was also a lot shorter deployment than this one has turned out to be.

This year my husband was deployed three months ahead of schedule and we were only given two weeks notice. We we're in the middle of preparing to move out of military housing and into an apartment so we could save money, when we learned my husband was scheduled to deploy three days before our moving date. When I found out I was a complete wreck, to say the least. I was frustrated, angry, hurt and mostly scared. Scared of being alone, scared of letting him go again, scared of what another year long separation would do to our marriage...the list goes on and on. But no matter how scared I was, I couldn't stop that day from coming. We kissed goodbye for the last time until who knows when, and tears streamed down my face as I watched him drive away in the duty van.

Once again I was alone, but this time it felt so much more real. This time I was actually all alone. I came home to an empty house, no family or friends to distract me or comfort me and all I could do was cry. I felt like half my heart had been ripped right out of my chest. But there was nothing I could do to bring him home any sooner, so I had no choice but to stop crying and live my life. I had to force myself to get out of bed everyday and to do the simplest things like finish unpacking the house or doing the laundry. The first month was awful and I felt like I was walking around like a love starved zombie...my husband being gone consumed my thoughts and emotions.

Now it has been nearly three months since he left and we still have no homecoming date information which makes it hard mentally to cope with him being gone, because in reality I have no idea when he will actually be home again. Last time I counted months, weeks, and as it got closer, even the days until my husband was to return. It made it easier knowing when we would be seeing each other again. We don't have that luxury this time around. Although I am still functioning and getting by, it hasn't been easy. I've avoided blogging for the past month because of all the hardships I am going through in my personal life and simply for the fact that I don't want my blog to become a pity party for myself. I know no one wants to read about how miserable I am every day, so I figured that some things are better left unsaid.

Anyway, recently I had a very enlightening conversation with a friend of mine regarding missing our husbands. Her husband has been in the navy for awhile and has already served on three deployments before they were married. Now he is home more often and she has yet to endure a deployment, however her husband does leave frequently for a month or so at a time. While we were talking she expressed to me that she felt like missing someone for a month was the same thing as missing someone who's gone for a year. Of course, me being on the opposite end of the spectrum as a navy wife who has been through every step of my husband's navy career (all the way back from boot camp, to a-school and now our second deployment in two years), I feel very strongly that it's not the same thing.

Yes, I know we all miss our husbands when they leave for a few weeks or a month, but coming from someone who has endured both lengths of separation I would consider a deployment in a whole other category of missing someone. Its not even missing them really, for me it goes so much more beyond that. Its more like the worst heartache you've ever felt. Does that mean I didn't miss my husband when he left on underways for a few weeks? Of course not...I missed him everyday. But the way I feel now, knowing that we will be separated for nearly an entire year hurts so much more. I guess the length of time is the biggest factor for me, because this lifestyle and the experiences I've had as a result of it have changed me as a person.

Maybe my heart is just hard...or maybe I have just come to realize that in the grand scheme of things a month really isn't all that long. If you had asked me if I could be away from my husband for a month a few years ago I would have, thought there was no way in hell. But now that I have gone through so much of my married life alone it really doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I know we are all allowed to have our opinions and to miss our husbands. I am not discrediting that in any way, I am just simply sharing my view on the matter. To me if my husband only had to be gone for a month I would be thanking my lucky stars! I don't think I have it the worst out there, because believe me...no matter how bad you think you have it there is always someone who has it worse. I just think we should be thankful for the blessings we do have and for the time we all have with our husbands, whether it be long or short.

That being said, even though I may not agree with her I can still see her side of the issue and respect her opinion. Although she hasn't been through exactly what I have, she has still endured her fair share of heartache. I guess I just needed to realize that we all go through hardships in our lives, but that every person handles them differently. To one person, kissing their hubby goodbye for a month may seem like the end of the world, where as to someone else it may not be that big of a deal. But no matter how we deal with being away from our loved ones, we all have to go through it sometime or another and to be honest it is never easy. I guess I just needed to be reminded of that...you never really know what someone is going through until you walk a mile in their shoes.

The little things

Sometimes in life it's the little things that can make all the difference. Lately I've been having a hard time dealing with this deployment, and the fact that we still don't have a homecoming date has been making things extra difficult. I've had a few other things going on in my life as well and of course there is always the stress of my job, and worrying about my husband's safety to make things seem like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. 

Luckily this week I've had the chance to talk to my husband a little more and we even got to have our first skype dates during this deployment. You know you're a military spouse when you become absolutely giddy at the fact that you are able to see your husband's face while you video chat through a computer screen. To some people it may seem crazy, but seeing his smile, hearing his voice and being able to talk without having to rush makes all the difference in the world. 

Deployment, like anything in life that isn't so fun can get the best of me at times. There are days when I feel like I am losing my mind, days where I feel like I could just die of loneliness and that I can't endure another day of being without my other half...there are nights when I cry myself to sleep and pray for the strength to get through another day, and it's not always easy but somehow, just seeing my husband's handsome face and hearing his voice reminds me why I am going through all this in the  first place. I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. 

He keeps telling me that this is just a stepping stone in our lives and that it won't last forever. I know he is right, and I know that it will only make our love and our marriage stronger. ♥ I thought I'd share a photo of my handsome hubby from our skype date...

 I can't get over how good he looks! He's been working out a lot and I can definitely tell. I am one lucky girl to have such a foxy husband! ♥

A letter to my Husband

Dear Hubby,

I know I am not always the perfect wife...sometimes I get upset a little too easily and I have my days when I feel overwhelmed by this deployment and our life with the navy in general. But I want you to know that I am in this thing for the long run. I wouldn't have given up so much and spent most of our young married life waiting for you to come back for me if my heart wasn't in it.

Although I don't always like this lifestyle, I am grateful for it. There was a time when I took you for granted and the navy really opened my eyes up to what my life would be like without you, and quite frankly it sucked.

I love you more than I ever thought possible and I meant what I said when I stood before God, and all our friends and family and promised to spend my life with you. I can't wait to spend forever with you and grow old together.♥ Although we'll be apart for the next several months, this will seem like the blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things.

You're my husband, my best friend and the love of my life. I'll always be yours and I've never loved someone as much as I love you. I hope you know how much you mean to me, and that every day we are apart is another day I love and miss you more. Be safe out there and come home soon. I love you forever. xoxo

Hold on Tight

The last few days have been challenging for me, and after talking to my mom tonight I realized I am on an emotional over load. I swear you'd think I was pregnant or pmsing but nope...just losing my mind a bit! ;) My hubby FINALLY called me today and now I feel really bad about complaining earlier. I knew all along it wasn't his fault but its still hard for me not to get upset when I don't hear from him, especially on important days. 

So for now I am taking a step back and trying to keep my emotions in check. I know I need to be stronger for my husbands sake and for the sake of our marriage. I know some people out there may not agree with me sharing my frustrations on my blog, but I am a very honest person and it helps me to write about the things that bother me. Don't get me wrong, I don't share everything on here because I do think some things are better left between my husband and I, but asking for advice or just venting on my blog usually helps me to calm down and get some perspective on the issue. Today that was definitely the case. 

I'm not going to pretend to have the perfect marriage...because the truth is, there is NO SUCH THING as a PERFECT relationship. Do I love my husband? Yes, more than anything! Does he love me? Of course! But does that mean we don't ever have disagreements or arguments? Certainly not.

Every couple fights whether you choose to admit it or not, marriage takes a lot of hard work...you have to try every single day, and love that person in spite of the things they do that drive you crazy at times. I love my husband and I am tired of letting this deployment get to me so I'm choosing to be stronger...and to be thankful for my husband. Even if he doesn't call me everyday or express how much he misses me. I love him anyway, and we're gonna find a way to get through this hellish experience. I meant what I said when I promised to stand by him through good times and bad, and I'm gonna live up to that promise. I'm gonna hold on tight, cause I know we've got a good thing. ♥

 We already have one month of deployment down and only a million more to go, but we can do it! Our love is stronger than this b.s. and I have faith that the lord will see us through, no matter how many oceans are between us. ♥

I love you Baby! ♥