Finding a balance

Motherhood is like a balancing act, we have to juggle so much and at times it can be a bit overwhelming. Sooner or later you end up dropping something. Before I was a mom I never understood how parents could put their children above everything else, including their marriage. I used to read marriage blogs and take the advice to heart and really think about the scriptures they included. Looking back I now realize that it was so easy for me to misunderstand this phenomenon, because I simply wasn't a parent yet. Oh how naive I was...

The moment I became a mom everything changed, my whole mindset shifted. I was now responsible for this tiny human being who literally depended on me for everything.

{Meeting my son for the first time after a c-section and 12 hours apart. Sweetest moment of my life.♥}

 Although I don't want to make my husband feel left out or neglected, I had to put my babies needs above his and ten months later, still do. I'm not sure at what point this will change, or rather if it will just become less prominent in our lives. The love I feel for my son is greater than I ever imagined possible. Only now that I am a mother do I realize how easy it is to place everything else on the backburner, (including oneself) once you have a child. Of course I love my husband, its just a different type of love than what I feel for my son. I know its extremely important to continue working on our marriage so we don't drift apart, but right now I am really struggling with this.

{Our last trip sans children. Wilmington, NC April 2012}

We recently moved and our bills have increased, while my husband's paycheck hasn't. I can't even remember the last time we went on an actual date. It's hard because we're trying to be thrifty but we desperately need some adult time to ourselves, just to reconnect and take a break from it all. I know it has been hard on my husband and I am trying to remind myself of the idea that God should come first, my husband second and my child third. It's just so difficult for me! Have any of you ever struggled with this? I feel like I can't be the only one.

Of course being a military family as well we also face unique challenges. Living far away from family or friends I trust to watch my son makes it harder for my husband and I to have a simple date night. I know this is just a transitional period and it won't be this way forever, but it doesn't make me feel any better about where we are. I love my husband and my son, I just wish I could figure out a way to make them both feel loved and valued. For now all I can do is trust in God and keep putting one foot in front of the other. ♥

I actually Won!

Have I ever mentioned that I have terrible luck when it comes to winning giveaways? I know "winning isn't everything, " but no one can say they don't love winning something every now and then. :)

Recently I entered Chambanachik's giveaway for a copy of "Faith Deployed...Again" and I'm so excited to have been one of the two lucky winners!

Erica is a doll and I am so thankful for the chance to read this book and use it to help me get through the second half of this deployment.

So far time has been moving right along and I although I have been feeling better over all I still have my rough days. Right now I'm trying to stay focused on the positive and see the good things that have come from this deployment.

Sometimes that's easier said than done, but it's still worth trying. Here is what I have come up with so far:

1) It has given us the chance to pay off nearly all our credit card debts and to finally get new tires on my car and my brakes fixed! Hallelujah!

2) It has made me dig deep inside myself and keep going, even when I didn't feel like living anymore.

3)We have fought A LOT but we are finally at the point where we are both used to being alone and the whole "deployment" concept is easier to comprehend.

4) This deployment has brought out trust issues and secrets that would have otherwise stayed hidden for who knows how long. It could have broken us if we let it, but we have chosen to forgive and move forward.

5) I have finally known what it feels like to be completely on my own, living alone...without a husband, mom, sisters or room mates to lean on. I think it's something everyone should experience at least once in there life!

6) It has made me put myself out there and make more friends. When you don't have a husband to go on dates with or family to hang out with you tend to become more outgoing and just learn to make friends!

7) It has taught me to count my blessings and to be thankful for the good things about my husband...no matter how much he annoys me or makes me angry at times, I know I'm lucky to have a man who loves me as much as he does.

8) It has made me realize there are a lot of things I need to work on in myself, like being less selfish and more giving to others. I've also learned to let go of trying to control everything, which is easier said than done for this control freak.

Anyway, I'm off to work and it's sure to be another dreadfully boring day at the bank so I'm hoping today goes by fast! Is it 5:30 yet? ;)

Life keeps going

The last few weeks have been so busy I've hardly known what to do with myself. Between the hurricane, working so much and trying to survive this deployment, its been a tad difficult to keep my sanity in tact. With all that excitement we passed the half way mark, and although it still feels like forever until I'll see my hubby again I'm praying the days, weeks, and months pass quickly.

This deployment has really been a tremendous struggle for my husband and I. We have both been missing each other so much and get easily frustrated with this lifestyle and spending two years back to back on deployments and not being able to enjoy any of our newlywed lives together. We just had our two year wedding anniversary last week and I'll admit it was extremely hard facing that day alone.

My hubby was really sweet though and called me the night before (since he is on a different time zone) to wish me a happy anniversary. He also let me get my "upgrade" from my old wedding ring. And I must say, I'm in love!! ♥ It's exactly my vintage style and is soooo beautiful. :) Thank you baby, you are the best and always know how to spoil me!

We ordered him a cruise jacket for him to have and I worked really hard on his anniversary care package. I thought I mailed it too late, but as fate would have it, the package arrived just in time ON our actual anniversary! (It was probably the one and only thing that made me smile that day.) He loved it and enjoyed the cake in a jar I made for him so that made me feel pretty good. (here's a snap shot of his package)

This was probably my favorite thing about this package...decorating is always a lot of fun. ♥

I actually took the time to write out ten things I love most about my husband. I hope he knows I meant every word.

The last few weeks have been a challenge for us and we've had our share of ups and downs. I am really trying my hardest to be a good wife to him and not make this deployment any harder than it has to be. I can't even put into words how challenging it has been for us both, and at this point I am just relying on the lord to help us through it. Without him it just won't be possible. Please say a prayer for us both to be strong and that the lord would strengthen our marriage and allow us to lean on each other instead of fighting or pushing each other away. We could really use the prayers!

I've been thinking...

I don't know why, but lately I have just been completely exhausted. I've been so busy with work, trying to make time to email and talk to my husband and just trying to keep the house clean that I feel like I'm on overload. Between paying bills, grocery shopping and cleaning my house, I haven't had much time for fun or blogging. So I do apologize to all my readers for being m.i.a. over the last month or so. It really does make me sad because I love blogging and I feel bad for letting all of this keep me from doing something I adore.

Next week we will be entering the three month mark of my husband's deployment and sadly we still don't have a homecoming date. That makes it extremely difficult to cope with him being gone. I really just wish we would find out when they are coming home so I can mentally prepare and know how long I have to endure this evil thing. :( I'll admit I have been trying to stay positive but am not having much success. I don't know why I am having such a hard time lately, but my anger issues seem to be rearing up again. Perhaps I need to invest in a punching bag or join a kickboxing class so I can get my frustration out in a healthy way. At least it's something to think about! ;)

Lately I find myself getting so mad that I want to punch people, especially my husband! I don't know why my anger about this deployment manifests itself towards him, but I can't help but find myself easily irritated and annoyed when talking to him. I know it is not his fault for being gone, but I can't help but feel abandoned by him. Our two year anniversary is coming up in August and it breaks my heart that I have spent nearly the entire two years of our marriage alone. Most of the time I don't even feel like I am married at all. I know it is not my husband's fault that he is gone and that if he could choose to stay home and be with me he would, but for some reason I'm still hurting. My head knows that's true but my heart is having a hard time comprehending it.

Lately I find myself pushing him away in hopes that it will make it easier for me to cope. I feel like sometimes he does the same thing too. I don't know how to stay close to him while he's gone without missing him so much that my heart is always hurting. It sounds crazy, and maybe I am going a little crazy with everything going on lately but I am praying I can find a way to make things better. I love my husband so much and the last thing I want to do is push him into someone else's arms. This lifestyle is incredibly lonely at times and can really put things into perspective as far as what's really important in your life. It has made me realize how important family and friends have been in supporting me through everything the navy has put us through over the last two years.

It's definitely been a long, hard and interesting journey, and has made me grow as a person...but I feel like I still have a lot of growing to do. I have also been thinking a lot about the future, since I have so much "alone" time to think about anything and everything under the sun. My job environment has sadly not gotten any better. In short, I am miserable there. It's creatively stifling, boring and just a horrible environment altogether. Nothing we do is ever good enough and I am not the only person who is miserable, pretty much everyone has expressed the same feelings. I have realized things are not going to get any better. So I have a tough choice to make. I have been searching for part time jobs so I can move on to something less stressful and more "part time."

College has been put on the back burner for me the last two years due to my husband's career. The timing of him joining boot camp and when we were supposed to move to va last year prevented me from enrolling in the spring of 2010. Then when my husband was deployed immediately after a-school last year, our move was put on hold until right before his return in August. With us moving, getting settled in and just starting out as a married couple things weren't exactly easy financially and I had to start working at the bank. What started out as part time has now become full time and left me feeling cheated of the opportunity to continue pursuing my education. 

Unlike some people I actually enjoy school, and it is my dream to finish college and become a history teacher. Experiencing all this heartache with the navy the last two years has made me realize that I MUST finish my education if we ever want to make it without the navy and if I ever want my husband to be around. Some people love this lifestyle, and although there are some perks that come along with it, I think there are alot more downfalls. 

I want the opportunity to spend holidays, birthdays and anniversaries with my husband. I want the opportunity to actually be able to work on our marriage. I don't know how to keep it alive from thousands of miles away, and I am running out of ideas and patience. In short, I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I am miserable, and I don't want to be. So today I am getting my butt in gear and going to the fleet and family support center to search for a new job and update my resume. Something has got to change in my life, and quickly before I lose my mind. I am the only one that can make that happen, so I am taking things into my own hands. Please say a prayer for me, I really need it! 

"You can't leave everything to fate...She's got a lot to do, sometimes you must give her a hand." 

Anyway, I must go throw myself into the world of job searching and making strides to change my unhappiness. Thanks for reading and I'm sorry this post ended up becoming a novel. I'll try and keep updating regularly so my posts aren't so long winded. :) I hope everyone has a happy Monday!