I'm alive, I promise

It has been so long since the last time I blogged, but I promise I am not dead! I took a hiatus from social networking (for the most part) and completely cut off facebook, twitter and blogger because it was all just getting to be too much. There were certain people that were driving me insane and I just needed a break from it all. After a few months I am trying to get back into the swing of things and am gonna start updating my blog more often. Recently I have been having some health issues and was unable to go home to California for our family vacation this year. :( To top it all off after that I caught a nasty cold my husband brought home and have been trying to fight it off for the last four days. Sometimes it feels like I can't catch a break but I am trying to remain positive and believe everything will work out for the best.

My poor husband has been dealing with me being sick and emotional and has been a champ at taking care of the house and cooking dinner, doing laundry etc. which I really appreciate. It is so hard to do those things when you are not feeling well! Anyway, I am on "vacation" from work until Thursday but since I have been so sick I haven't even left the house since last week. At least I don't have to worry about work for a few more days, and I am praying to be better by then so I can go in. I would love to get better a little sooner so hubby and I can have a beach day or just enjoy our time off together but I'm not holding my breath.

On a happier note, exam results came out a few weeks ago and my husband passed! I am so proud of him for becoming a petty officer and knew all his hard work would pay off. We have been through so much together since he joined the navy and it has made us both change and grow. This year has a lot of anniversaries for us, it will be five years that we have been together, three years that we have been married (In August) and three years of navy life! Its amazing how fast time flies when you're spending your life with someone you love, (and how slow it goes when you're apart!). We are still waiting to here back on the status of his PTS results, (for those that don't know PTS stands for "Perform to Serve" which is basically the navy's way of weeding out sailors and deciding who is allowed to reenlist.) It's a pretty scary thing, not knowing if you're husband will still have a job once his contract is up, especially in this horrible economy.

Since we are almost done with sea duty we are praying and hoping that his PTS gets approved so we can get the heck out of Virginia and hopefully get back on the West Coast. If all goes as planned and PTS is not a problem then we will be scheduled to leave Virginia in March of 2013 and head to our new duty station. I am so ready for a change! It has definitely been a good life experience moving across country and starting a life together, but this just isn't where we want to be. I know there are no guarantees with the navy but I am a California girl all the way and I need my sunshine and beaches! It's just not the same here in VA. I am also looking forward to a job change when we move because I am so bored and hating my work situation right now. Over all I think we are both ready to move onto the next chapter in our lives and see what God has in store for us! :) 

Lazy (Labor) Day

Yesterday started off really, really bad. I'm not gonna get into details but I was pretty depressed and actually managed to stay in bed until 4:30 in the afternoon. I finally got up, only cause I needed to shower and was starving and then proceeded to eat wendy's for dinner and watch netflix all night. I started to feel a little better, but today I am kicking myself in the butt for not running all my errands and doing my chores yesterday so I could enjoy my day off today.

However, I can say that I really needed a day where I could just lay around and sleep all day. I am always going, going, going, and am usually exhausted. I needed to recharge my batteries and just THINK about a lot of things going on in my life. It was nice to have a day where I could just stay in bed and be comfy. That's usually what I feel like doing every week day, but instead I have to get up early and go to work at a job I hate.

Le sighhhhh...anyway, I am excited for fall and have decided to do a countdown until I go to home to California in December. As of now its a little more than three months away, and I'm praying it goes by fast! I can't wait to see everyone and just enjoy some time with the family and my besties back home. ♥ I hope you all have a Happy Tuesday! Hooray for short weeks! ;)

Dear Misery,

You have been a part of my life for far too long, and I have decided that you are no longer welcome here. Kindly pack your bags and get the hell out because I am done letting you control my happiness and my life. I am choosing to be the bigger person and make it through these trials with grace and dignity, so there is no room for you and your nonsense anymore. Don't let the door hit you on the way out!!! ;)

I've been thinking...

I don't know why, but lately I have just been completely exhausted. I've been so busy with work, trying to make time to email and talk to my husband and just trying to keep the house clean that I feel like I'm on overload. Between paying bills, grocery shopping and cleaning my house, I haven't had much time for fun or blogging. So I do apologize to all my readers for being m.i.a. over the last month or so. It really does make me sad because I love blogging and I feel bad for letting all of this keep me from doing something I adore.

Next week we will be entering the three month mark of my husband's deployment and sadly we still don't have a homecoming date. That makes it extremely difficult to cope with him being gone. I really just wish we would find out when they are coming home so I can mentally prepare and know how long I have to endure this evil thing. :( I'll admit I have been trying to stay positive but am not having much success. I don't know why I am having such a hard time lately, but my anger issues seem to be rearing up again. Perhaps I need to invest in a punching bag or join a kickboxing class so I can get my frustration out in a healthy way. At least it's something to think about! ;)

Lately I find myself getting so mad that I want to punch people, especially my husband! I don't know why my anger about this deployment manifests itself towards him, but I can't help but find myself easily irritated and annoyed when talking to him. I know it is not his fault for being gone, but I can't help but feel abandoned by him. Our two year anniversary is coming up in August and it breaks my heart that I have spent nearly the entire two years of our marriage alone. Most of the time I don't even feel like I am married at all. I know it is not my husband's fault that he is gone and that if he could choose to stay home and be with me he would, but for some reason I'm still hurting. My head knows that's true but my heart is having a hard time comprehending it.

Lately I find myself pushing him away in hopes that it will make it easier for me to cope. I feel like sometimes he does the same thing too. I don't know how to stay close to him while he's gone without missing him so much that my heart is always hurting. It sounds crazy, and maybe I am going a little crazy with everything going on lately but I am praying I can find a way to make things better. I love my husband so much and the last thing I want to do is push him into someone else's arms. This lifestyle is incredibly lonely at times and can really put things into perspective as far as what's really important in your life. It has made me realize how important family and friends have been in supporting me through everything the navy has put us through over the last two years.

It's definitely been a long, hard and interesting journey, and has made me grow as a person...but I feel like I still have a lot of growing to do. I have also been thinking a lot about the future, since I have so much "alone" time to think about anything and everything under the sun. My job environment has sadly not gotten any better. In short, I am miserable there. It's creatively stifling, boring and just a horrible environment altogether. Nothing we do is ever good enough and I am not the only person who is miserable, pretty much everyone has expressed the same feelings. I have realized things are not going to get any better. So I have a tough choice to make. I have been searching for part time jobs so I can move on to something less stressful and more "part time."

College has been put on the back burner for me the last two years due to my husband's career. The timing of him joining boot camp and when we were supposed to move to va last year prevented me from enrolling in the spring of 2010. Then when my husband was deployed immediately after a-school last year, our move was put on hold until right before his return in August. With us moving, getting settled in and just starting out as a married couple things weren't exactly easy financially and I had to start working at the bank. What started out as part time has now become full time and left me feeling cheated of the opportunity to continue pursuing my education. 

Unlike some people I actually enjoy school, and it is my dream to finish college and become a history teacher. Experiencing all this heartache with the navy the last two years has made me realize that I MUST finish my education if we ever want to make it without the navy and if I ever want my husband to be around. Some people love this lifestyle, and although there are some perks that come along with it, I think there are alot more downfalls. 

I want the opportunity to spend holidays, birthdays and anniversaries with my husband. I want the opportunity to actually be able to work on our marriage. I don't know how to keep it alive from thousands of miles away, and I am running out of ideas and patience. In short, I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I am miserable, and I don't want to be. So today I am getting my butt in gear and going to the fleet and family support center to search for a new job and update my resume. Something has got to change in my life, and quickly before I lose my mind. I am the only one that can make that happen, so I am taking things into my own hands. Please say a prayer for me, I really need it! 

"You can't leave everything to fate...She's got a lot to do, sometimes you must give her a hand." 

Anyway, I must go throw myself into the world of job searching and making strides to change my unhappiness. Thanks for reading and I'm sorry this post ended up becoming a novel. I'll try and keep updating regularly so my posts aren't so long winded. :) I hope everyone has a happy Monday!