Monday, June 20, 2011

I've been thinking...

I don't know why, but lately I have just been completely exhausted. I've been so busy with work, trying to make time to email and talk to my husband and just trying to keep the house clean that I feel like I'm on overload. Between paying bills, grocery shopping and cleaning my house, I haven't had much time for fun or blogging. So I do apologize to all my readers for being m.i.a. over the last month or so. It really does make me sad because I love blogging and I feel bad for letting all of this keep me from doing something I adore.

Next week we will be entering the three month mark of my husband's deployment and sadly we still don't have a homecoming date. That makes it extremely difficult to cope with him being gone. I really just wish we would find out when they are coming home so I can mentally prepare and know how long I have to endure this evil thing. :( I'll admit I have been trying to stay positive but am not having much success. I don't know why I am having such a hard time lately, but my anger issues seem to be rearing up again. Perhaps I need to invest in a punching bag or join a kickboxing class so I can get my frustration out in a healthy way. At least it's something to think about! ;)

Lately I find myself getting so mad that I want to punch people, especially my husband! I don't know why my anger about this deployment manifests itself towards him, but I can't help but find myself easily irritated and annoyed when talking to him. I know it is not his fault for being gone, but I can't help but feel abandoned by him. Our two year anniversary is coming up in August and it breaks my heart that I have spent nearly the entire two years of our marriage alone. Most of the time I don't even feel like I am married at all. I know it is not my husband's fault that he is gone and that if he could choose to stay home and be with me he would, but for some reason I'm still hurting. My head knows that's true but my heart is having a hard time comprehending it.

Lately I find myself pushing him away in hopes that it will make it easier for me to cope. I feel like sometimes he does the same thing too. I don't know how to stay close to him while he's gone without missing him so much that my heart is always hurting. It sounds crazy, and maybe I am going a little crazy with everything going on lately but I am praying I can find a way to make things better. I love my husband so much and the last thing I want to do is push him into someone else's arms. This lifestyle is incredibly lonely at times and can really put things into perspective as far as what's really important in your life. It has made me realize how important family and friends have been in supporting me through everything the navy has put us through over the last two years.

It's definitely been a long, hard and interesting journey, and has made me grow as a person...but I feel like I still have a lot of growing to do. I have also been thinking a lot about the future, since I have so much "alone" time to think about anything and everything under the sun. My job environment has sadly not gotten any better. In short, I am miserable there. It's creatively stifling, boring and just a horrible environment altogether. Nothing we do is ever good enough and I am not the only person who is miserable, pretty much everyone has expressed the same feelings. I have realized things are not going to get any better. So I have a tough choice to make. I have been searching for part time jobs so I can move on to something less stressful and more "part time."

College has been put on the back burner for me the last two years due to my husband's career. The timing of him joining boot camp and when we were supposed to move to va last year prevented me from enrolling in the spring of 2010. Then when my husband was deployed immediately after a-school last year, our move was put on hold until right before his return in August. With us moving, getting settled in and just starting out as a married couple things weren't exactly easy financially and I had to start working at the bank. What started out as part time has now become full time and left me feeling cheated of the opportunity to continue pursuing my education. 

Unlike some people I actually enjoy school, and it is my dream to finish college and become a history teacher. Experiencing all this heartache with the navy the last two years has made me realize that I MUST finish my education if we ever want to make it without the navy and if I ever want my husband to be around. Some people love this lifestyle, and although there are some perks that come along with it, I think there are alot more downfalls. 

I want the opportunity to spend holidays, birthdays and anniversaries with my husband. I want the opportunity to actually be able to work on our marriage. I don't know how to keep it alive from thousands of miles away, and I am running out of ideas and patience. In short, I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I am miserable, and I don't want to be. So today I am getting my butt in gear and going to the fleet and family support center to search for a new job and update my resume. Something has got to change in my life, and quickly before I lose my mind. I am the only one that can make that happen, so I am taking things into my own hands. Please say a prayer for me, I really need it! 

"You can't leave everything to fate...She's got a lot to do, sometimes you must give her a hand." 

Anyway, I must go throw myself into the world of job searching and making strides to change my unhappiness. Thanks for reading and I'm sorry this post ended up becoming a novel. I'll try and keep updating regularly so my posts aren't so long winded. :) I hope everyone has a happy Monday!



  1. For a while I didn't know when Fox would be coming home from deployment. He'd tell me a date one week, then the next the date would get pushed up. It got to a point I said you know what just call me when you land in the US and say "babe I'm coming home" cause then I'll believe it lol. Well... finally I know the date he's coming home and I tear up every time I think of it. I couldn't even tell you why I cry, but I bawl. But there was a point in there, well I don't talk to people now because of it, that would say something stupid that would cause me to look at them and be like retard my guy is in another country 7 hours ahead. He gets hazard pay cause bullets fly. And I would walk away so I wouldn't hit them. Stupid people :/

    This is a game I dislike and plays with your heart, the when will he come home game.

  2. I just wanted to say I know how you feel - both with missing your husband and especially with school. Hang in there. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!

    - Nicole

  3. Oh honey...being a military wife is hard. Truly one of the hardest things ever. But in your weakest of times don't push him away. That was my mistake. He needs to know how you are feeling. How badly it hurts you but he also needs to know you are strong enough to support him. It's hard to explain but I'm begging you not to push him away. That was our first mistake. And one both of us will forever regret. I'm not trying to scare you. I just need you to know to hold onto one another and rely on one another. It will only strengthen you as a couple. You guys can do this! Just hang on :)

  4. I feel for you!! I will say a prayer for you, for sure. I have never been in your shoes, but I was in the military and so was my hubby so we know how it goes. I was so blessed that he was never deployed while we were married. I can't imagine how hard it must be. Prayers and hugs!!!

  5. I love your honesty. I always joke with my husband that he can serve one term. ONE AND DONE. I support him. I'm proud of him. But I like having a life that is not dictacted to us by the USAF. I am best seeing my husband everyday! I'm going back for my master's so we can be OK when he leaves. Good luck on your journey!