Friday, February 11, 2011

What to do when work takes over your life and your marriage?

So its been awhile since I last blogged and I can't believe its already February! This month has been going by so fast and I have so much to tell you all! :) I have been extremely busy working six days a week since January and all of February as well. I am literally EXHAUSTED all the time now! My hubby has been working so hard too, bless his heart, and he comes home and practically goes to bed at 6pm everyday. Its very frustrating since I don't get home until that time and then we are left with no time together. :(

I am still trying to navigate being a working wife and supporting my husband in his job as well. At times it is very challenging and I'll admit there are moments when I resent how hard he works because of how it affects our relationship. I have been praying about it and as usual when I am looking for answers the Lord likes to send them my way, but I don't always like what he has to say.

After being frustrated with my husband and getting upset that he was coming home and going straight to bed for almost a week straight, I finally went off and  gave him a piece of my mind. I told him that maybe he should just stay at work and sleep on the ship since he doesn't bother spending any time with me anymore, eating dinner with me or helping with chores or cleaning up his own messes at home. It is so disheartening to think that over the next year we will be spending so much time apart and what little time we have left to spend together we can't because he is exhausted.

One day I expressed my frustration through a nasty email, and got one back from my husband saying that he loved me and wished I could just "Be more supportive." Grrrrrr....this angered me to no end! Ummm...Excuse Me, but I would say after dealing with everything the Navy has thrown our way over the last year and a half I have done my fair share of being supportive. I encouraged him throughout bootcamp and sent him letters and pictures everyday telling him how much I loved him and believed in him. I was there on his graduation day, despite flying cross country, having a lay over and then getting lost for 4 hours the night we arrived in Illinois as well as enduring a snow storm the day of his graduation and the whole time we were there.

I sent him emails and wrote him sweet encouragements on facebook and my blog during his entire deployment and I moved my entire life to be here with him. I would say I have supported, encouraged and SACRIFICED a hell of a lot!! Naturally being a selfish human being and sinner, my first thought after reading his reply was, "WHAT ABOUT ME!!???!! WHEN AM I GOING TO GET SOME SUPPORT?"

Now don't get me wrong, I adore my husband but he isn't the most sensitive guy out there when it comes to how he treats me. He can be harsh and the navy has brought that out of him even more than before he joined. He has said to me many times that me dealing with him being gone is "alot easier" than what he has to go through. And I know he is right and there are different aspects, and I understand how hard they work when they are deployed but that doesn't mean it makes it any more "easier" for me to be here without him for almost a year at a time. Kissing the person you love the most in this world goodbye and saying, "I'll be seeing you..." all the while not really knowing if they will make it home safely, is never an easy task.

I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I had while he was many times I cried and worried about him when I read about another sailor, soldier, or marine who had died serving our country in this war. Or how many times I had nervous breakdowns and cried my eyes out because I missed a phone call or the phone card ran out before we could say our "good byes and I love yous." And just like I don't know everything he went through then or everything he goes through now at work he will never see how much all this affects me and our relationship. He will never see how difficult it is for me to keep "BEING SUPPORTIVE."

That night as I lay in bed I cried out to my heavenly father and asked for guidance and help. I expressed my discontentment with our situation as well as my husband's recent actions and I just simply asked for strength because I don't know how much more I can take. The next day while checking my email I received my daily devotional, and it was about none other than "Loving and Supporting our Husbands." It talked about how God created Woman as a Helper for man and than Man needs Woman very much. It is our jobs to build our husbands up and encourage them, to support and shower them with love instead of tearing them down.

Easier said than done...I am a Christian, don't get me wrong but is it bad that sometimes the Bible makes me so mad? I feel like as women we are just expected to put our own needs and feelings aside to support the fragile egos of our Husbands, and I don't know about y'all but I am very much for women's rights!  In my heart I believe we should be treated as equal partners in our relationships and that it isn't just OUR responsibility to love and respect our husbands, but that they should also do the same. We are human beings too right? We need love and support too don't we? I know I certainly do!!!!

Needless to say this area of my life is something I am still struggling with and I am having a hard time trying to be supportive. Its rather difficult when I feel like my husband isn't giving me the Love, attention and support I need in order to feel loved and happy. Am I the only woman who feels this way, or has anyone else out there gone through this too? I feel like a crazy, selfish person for resenting the fact that my husband is exhausted all the time but I can't seem to help it. : /



  1. You are not the only one! My hubby and I got into a similar argument via email his last underway. I believe a relationship should be 50/50, but when your husband is in the military that seems to be a little hard. Well at least I think so. The best thing to do is just be there for each other as much as you can, and remember it is always very important to communicate with what each other needs. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

  2. Big Hugs honey! Big Big Big ones! I read a book called "Love and Respect" About the vicious cycle. It won't make it all better, but maybe another point of view, and have your hubs read it too. ;) Us women have it very hard!

  3. I used to feel the same way, but once I studied and prayed more over the scripture I realized that besides all that being true, the husband also has a job to support his wife and make the best decisions he can for the family. The husband should should never ask or expect from his wife anything that he doesn't already give of himself.
    (does that make sense?)
    if the husband wants love and support, he needs to reciprocate so that the wife can follow his lead.
    We should feel comfortable enough to know that when we "submit" to our husbands he will make the very best decision he can for the family (with our input first of course). It's all on him to step up and be the spiritual leader that God and ourselves need them to be.

  4. awww Hon, I think that there's something in the air in VA, because that's the way Sailorman and I have been feeling too. I can't begin to start talking about the fights we've had because I feel like I do more. It's almost like he doesn't understand how hard it is to be the support system. When you find a solution please let me know! Sailorman is working on being a better communicator, but it's a long and difficult road. I wish that there was an instant solution to this kind of a problem, but I think prayer and discussion, no matter how much there is resistance is the best way to deal with this.

  5. Those workup seasons are many times worse than the actual deployment because of this kinda stuff -- I totally understand.

    Another few thoughts I had while reading this: love languages. I think you and your husband are speaking different ones. He's definitely not being as appreciative of the ways you have shown your love as you would like him to be.

    Also, I read a book once (can't remember the name unfortunately) about how the #1 need of a husband is to feel RESPECTED whereas our #1 need is to feel LOVED. I always think of that when I read that verse and it makes me feel less bitchy for being born a woman.

  6. I don't think we are to put our own needs and feelings aside , but I do believe that as man of the household they carry a lot of weight on their shoulders. They go to work and do a VERY strenuous job and support a family, and it is our job as a loving wife to let them know that they are doing a good job of the tasks that lay before them.
    I know it's hard and we all have those days Brittney... I want nothing more than to please Joshua, but sometimes there are just days where he irks me to no end!
    We dealt with that a lot during our first year of marriage, but I really asked God to help us both and He delivered. It's not going to be a quick fix... these things take time. Joshua and I are still working them out.
    Just keep praying about it and God will give you the strength you need in your marriage, but Isaiah needs to be ready for change as well.
    I have faith in yall. I've seen you guys in action. You guys are great together!!! This is just a stepping stone you're having to deal with. (:

  7. Nope your not! & it's so funny.. I was just talking to my friend about this because she is also struggling with it! I wish I knew what to say...but you're not alone, sometimes the bible doesn't make sense at all. If you go to church, I would suggest asking your pastor or someone who could help explain it and hear their thoughts on it. I always enjoy hearing what other people think and get from certain verses in the bible.

    I hope you two can find the time to spend with each other :)

  8. Equal, at least in my opinion, doesn't necessarily mean that things are in fact 'equal'. I've heard a lot about this part of the bible. About women 'serving' their husbands needs before their own. I'm an atheist, but I did try out this principle after reading an email about being a 1950's housewife. And it worked? The more I did for my husband, the more he did for me. I'm not saying that will hold true all the time, but in my experimentation it has.

    Marriage ebbs and flows in this way though. Sometimes we feel ignored and sometimes we feel loved. Sometimes we feel like we need more help and sometimes we really feel like we can do it alone. You will get through it even though right now it feels challenging.

  9. Brittney, I think if you were to speak to your husband from your heart and tell him all of this you would find he would be open to your needs.

    Marriage is hard. and you're both dealing with a lot of work :) it will settle again at some point. until then, just talk to him :)

  10. I left you something in my blog

  11. Your blogs always touch me! I've been feeling down in the dumps regarding these SAME issues with my husband. You have helped me, just to read your blog and know that there are other navy wives out there that have the same things going on. Makes it be more of a wide problem and not just one that is personal between my hubby and I. I read this today and cried my eyes out. These are all such valid concerns you have and want to thank you for opening up. You have no idea how much it helped me. Thank you Thank you Thank you! :)