So its been awhile since I last blogged and I can't believe its already February! This month has been going by so fast and I have so much to tell you all! :) I have been extremely busy working six days a week since January and all of February as well. I am literally EXHAUSTED all the time now! My hubby has been working so hard too, bless his heart, and he comes home and practically goes to bed at 6pm everyday. Its very frustrating since I don't get home until that time and then we are left with no time together. :(
I am still trying to navigate being a working wife and supporting my husband in his job as well. At times it is very challenging and I'll admit there are moments when I resent how hard he works because of how it affects our relationship. I have been praying about it and as usual when I am looking for answers the Lord likes to send them my way, but I don't always like what he has to say.
After being frustrated with my husband and getting upset that he was coming home and going straight to bed for almost a week straight, I finally went off and gave him a piece of my mind. I told him that maybe he should just stay at work and sleep on the ship since he doesn't bother spending any time with me anymore, eating dinner with me or helping with chores or cleaning up his own messes at home. It is so disheartening to think that over the next year we will be spending so much time apart and what little time we have left to spend together we can't because he is exhausted.
One day I expressed my frustration through a nasty email, and got one back from my husband saying that he loved me and wished I could just "Be more supportive." Grrrrrr....this angered me to no end! Ummm...Excuse Me, but I would say after dealing with everything the Navy has thrown our way over the last year and a half I have done my fair share of being supportive. I encouraged him throughout bootcamp and sent him letters and pictures everyday telling him how much I loved him and believed in him. I was there on his graduation day, despite flying cross country, having a lay over and then getting lost for 4 hours the night we arrived in Illinois as well as enduring a snow storm the day of his graduation and the whole time we were there.
I sent him emails and wrote him sweet encouragements on facebook and my blog during his entire deployment and I moved my entire life to be here with him. I would say I have supported, encouraged and SACRIFICED a hell of a lot!! Naturally being a selfish human being and sinner, my first thought after reading his reply was, "WHAT ABOUT ME!!???!! WHEN AM I GOING TO GET SOME SUPPORT?"
Now don't get me wrong, I adore my husband but he isn't the most sensitive guy out there when it comes to how he treats me. He can be harsh and the navy has brought that out of him even more than before he joined. He has said to me many times that me dealing with him being gone is "alot easier" than what he has to go through. And I know he is right and there are different aspects, and I understand how hard they work when they are deployed but that doesn't mean it makes it any more "easier" for me to be here without him for almost a year at a time. Kissing the person you love the most in this world goodbye and saying, "I'll be seeing you..." all the while not really knowing if they will make it home safely, is never an easy task.
I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I had while he was deployed...how many times I cried and worried about him when I read about another sailor, soldier, or marine who had died serving our country in this war. Or how many times I had nervous breakdowns and cried my eyes out because I missed a phone call or the phone card ran out before we could say our "good byes and I love yous." And just like I don't know everything he went through then or everything he goes through now at work he will never see how much all this affects me and our relationship. He will never see how difficult it is for me to keep "BEING SUPPORTIVE."
That night as I lay in bed I cried out to my heavenly father and asked for guidance and help. I expressed my discontentment with our situation as well as my husband's recent actions and I just simply asked for strength because I don't know how much more I can take. The next day while checking my email I received my daily devotional, and it was about none other than "Loving and Supporting our Husbands." It talked about how God created Woman as a Helper for man and than Man needs Woman very much. It is our jobs to build our husbands up and encourage them, to support and shower them with love instead of tearing them down.
Easier said than done...I am a Christian, don't get me wrong but is it bad that sometimes the Bible makes me so mad? I feel like as women we are just expected to put our own needs and feelings aside to support the fragile egos of our Husbands, and I don't know about y'all but I am very much for women's rights! In my heart I believe we should be treated as equal partners in our relationships and that it isn't just OUR responsibility to love and respect our husbands, but that they should also do the same. We are human beings too right? We need love and support too don't we? I know I certainly do!!!!
Needless to say this area of my life is something I am still struggling with and I am having a hard time trying to be supportive. Its rather difficult when I feel like my husband isn't giving me the Love, attention and support I need in order to feel loved and happy. Am I the only woman who feels this way, or has anyone else out there gone through this too? I feel like a crazy, selfish person for resenting the fact that my husband is exhausted all the time but I can't seem to help it. : /