Monday, February 21, 2011

Left Behind...

Do you ever feel like everyone else is moving forward with their lives, all the while you are stuck in a rut? Thats how I have been feeling lately and it has been getting me down. With my 24th birthday right around the corner I have been re-evaluating my goals and priorities in life and I realize I am not where I had hoped I would be. I am so close to having my associates degree but I haven't been able to go back to school since we moved to Virginia, and lets be honest here...I should already have my bachelors degree by now.

It makes me so upset when I think about all the time I've wasted putting work before school simply so I could survive and pay the bills, especially when I have always worked for companies that expect far too much and pay far too little. When I first got to Virginia my husband was pressuring me to find a job right away, and I did. Now I work so much that we barely have any time to spend together and I couldn't even dream about going to school. Its supposed to be "part time" but For the past two months its been all day Monday through Saturday, every single week. In short it has CONSUMED my life.

To make a long story short I am feeling extremely exhausted and upset with myself for not keeping my priorities straight. Nearly every day at work parents come in and deposit money into their sons and daughters accounts because they are "In College." I always make it a point to tell them how nice they are and that I hope their kids appreciate that. Not everyone has the chance to get their education paid for and when you come from a single parent family and you aren't considered a "minority" odds are there isn't going to be anyone to pay for your education. Trust me, I would know!

Since the MyCaa program exploded, was shut down and then reopened now you only get $4,000 to use towards your education instead of the $6,000 they gave before, and you can no longer use it towards a bachelors or masters degree. So basically it is pointless for me since my associates is almost finished anyway. Sometimes life is so frustrating, and I know I need to get an education if I want to actually have a career instead of just a job. I also feel like there is a lot of pressure riding on me finishing my education because I know my husband doesn't want to be in the navy for any longer than he has to. Since he doesn't have his degree yet either I know he is counting on me to get mine.

I'll admit that makes me a little nervous and also makes me think about the future and when we will be able to start a family. Lately he has been talking about finishing his next 3 years and getting out and going to school full time. Although I would love for my husband to get his education I don't feel like its right that I should have to carry the burden of providing for us while he goes to school. He is nowhere near being finished and if I sat around waiting for him to finish that means we wouldn't be able to have kids until we were practically 30 years old!! I do NOT want to wait that long, I want to be done by then and be back in shape already! Lol So there are so many different factors to consider, and right now its all a little overwhelming.

We haven't exactly had the best of luck in our experiences with the military so My husband deploying right away, getting stationed 2,700 miles away from home (when we only lived 2 hours from San Diego and were praying we'd get stationed there) having my husband home for only a month when we learned he would be deploying again right away, and getting stuck with what hubby calls "the curse of duty section 5" which means basically every Holiday, birthday or anniversary he has duty. (xmas and valentine's day just to name a few recent ones).

So that being said, I can definitely understand his hesitation in wanting to re-enlist after his 4 years is up, but I am also thinking about stability and how we will make ends meet. I mean lets face it, I don't love my job and most days its so hard for me to even motivate myself to get out of bed and go in, but I do it because I have to. I know my hubby's job is a lot worse but at the same time, he is the one who signed up for it. : / Anyway, I think thats enough babbling for one day, but I just needed to get this all off my chest. This summer I really want to make school a priority and with my hubby deploying I will have more time to focus on school and hopefully it will help the deployment pass faster too. I don't want to feel like I am being left behind anymore, I want to move forward to a bright and happy future! :)



  1. OH girl, I've felt that same way before too. Have you thought about finding a job that is actually part time or one that's flexible with school, etc.?

  2. I'm sorry you're feeling left behind =( I understand how you feel, because all my friends have careers and I just have a job. Hang in there lady, I think focusing on school this summer will be really good for you!

  3. I too put my degree on hold to move to Virginia. I am still adjusting and finally found a job. But I applied to TCC, maybe you could get in too? Good luck I hope you go back to school. I won't see deployment until next year but with the underways it seems like I'll never see him. Curse of the Navy. We postponned Vday and probably will other holidays so we can celebrate them together.

  4. I have been in your spot before - It's a crappy feeling but some days are just like that! Think positive girl & count your blessings. Plus from what I read, you've already accomplished a lot!

    & oh my gosh.. I did not know that Mycaa cut down so much, that is ridiculous. It shouldn't matter what your using the money for, ya know?

  5. I know how that feels hun. You feel like everything is going swimmingly for everyone and they are moving on with their lives while you are stuck in limbo. I have felt that way but you just have to sit back and think about what you really want in life and what you want to do (just like you said in your post) and everything will turn out in the end. It just might not happen when you want it to!

  6. I know how you feel. I really do hope people appreciate their parents paying for their school. We've been paying for mine, like as in, no student loans. It's a big expenses but it's worth it.

    Could you maybe take one class at a time?