Nobody likes bad dreams, thats something I know for, sure but when they seem so very real it makes things even worse. This morning I woke up startled and sad, and I couldn't help but let my bad dream get to me. In my dream my husband had just come home from his deployment and wanted nothing to do with me. He was stand offish, wouldn't hug or kiss me and was acting so strange. He only wanted to hang out with his fellow sailors, one of which was a girl and that really hurt me. Of course my heart was broken, and I was trying desperately to get him to show me some affection, but it just wasn't happening. Now I know what you're thinking, "It was only a dream," but I know things floating around in our subconscious often find their way into dreams because they are things that we actually think about. To be quite honest, I have been worried about how this deployment and training separations have affected us and sometimes I wonder if things will still be the same between us when he comes home. Lately I've even been wondering if he cares at all, because sometimes the way he treats me makes me feel like he could care less.
Things have been really hard lately as far as communicating with my husband. We hardly talk on the phone (once, maybe twice a week if I'm lucky) and he is pretty lazy when it comes to emailing me. Yes I know he works very hard and is exhausted all the time, but is sending an email really that exhausting? I personally don't think so. I get discouraged when I write to him everyday and I only get one response for every 5 emails I send. He seriously only writes me back about once or twice a week, which is frustrating for me when we have so much craziness going on with our upcoming move. There have been so many times when I desperately need to speak with him, and he doesn't answer my emails or call me for days. I know there are plenty of sailors, soldiers, airmen, and marines who are deployed and still write to their wives or significant others as often as they can, and in all the blogs I read everyone talks about how their husbands are "so sweet" and blah blah blah. So what in the world has happened to my husband??
Am I that unimportant or insignificant that he can't send me an email once a day, or even once every couple of days? Its not like he doesn't have easy access to the internet, because he does. And honestly, if he was that busy to where he couldn't I would understand, but he tells me that he goes to the gym and works out 5 days a week after work, (which isn't required pt btw) so if he has time for that, why doesn't he have time to send a damn email or make a phone call??? I just don't get it. I feel like I am always last on his list and when we do talk on the phone he is not nice to me at all. Most days he is rude, or pushy and always in a bad mood. I know he is miserable stuck where he is, but should I really be his human punching bag? The other day when we were on the phone, he yelled at me for not answering the first time he called. Granted it was 6 am and I was asleep, and once I heard the ringer go off I ran down the stairs to the phone, but he hung up before I could answer it. He was so mad that no excuse I could have offered would have helped. He then proceeded to be mean and rude to me our entire conversation. When I was explaining some details about the move he yelled at me and told me "God, you talk so much!" The "predeployment" me would have told him to go eff off and given him an earful for saying something so incredibly rude, but for some reason now I just can't bring myself to be mean or rude back to him, even when he says awful things like that to me.
Then yesterday we were actually able to skype for a little while, but the connection was so horrible that it kept hanging up every few minutes. The last time that it hung up on him he didn't even try calling me back on skype, and he never called on the house phone to say goodbye and I was really bummed. I hate not being able to say Goodbye and I love you. I have a thing about this, and no matter how mad I am always say it. He had told me that he would call me today around the same time, so I got up early and got showered and ready only to spend the next 4 hours waiting for a call that never came. I was so disappointed and hurt, mostly because I know today was his day off. :( I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am feeling very under appreciated and taken for granted. I am the one person who has stood by him no matter what since this whole journey with the Navy began, and sometimes I feel like he doesn't even care. I have loved him, encouraged him, prayed for him, been his constant cheer leader and best friend through it all, so why can't he reach out and love me and support me when I need it in return? All I want is to know that he loves and misses me as much as I love and miss him. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and wish he were home with me, and everyday I go to sleep alone knowing I will be doing this "by myself" thing for quite some time. I thought it would get easier, but after 9 months it really hasn't.