Monday, July 5, 2010

Bad dreams and sad days

Nobody likes bad dreams, thats something I know for, sure but when they seem so very real it makes things even worse. This morning I woke up startled and sad, and I couldn't help but let my bad dream get to me. In my dream my husband had just come home from his deployment and wanted nothing to do with me. He was stand offish, wouldn't hug or kiss me and was acting so strange. He only wanted to hang out with his fellow sailors, one of which was a girl and that really hurt me. Of course my heart was broken, and I was trying desperately to get him to show me some affection, but it just wasn't happening. Now I know what you're thinking, "It was only a dream," but I know things floating around in our subconscious often find their way into dreams because they are things that we actually think about. To be quite honest, I have been worried about how this deployment and training separations have affected us and sometimes I wonder if things will still be the same between us when he comes home. Lately I've even been wondering if he cares at all, because sometimes the way he treats me makes me feel like he could care less. 
 
Things have been really hard lately as far as communicating with my husband. We hardly talk on the phone (once, maybe twice a week  if I'm lucky) and he is pretty lazy when it comes to emailing me. Yes I know he works very hard and is exhausted all the time, but is sending an email really that exhausting? I personally don't think so. I get discouraged when I write to him everyday and I only get one response for every 5 emails I send. He seriously only writes me back about once or twice a week, which is frustrating for me when we have so much craziness going on with our upcoming move. There have been so many times when I desperately need to speak with him, and he doesn't answer my emails or call me for days. I know there are plenty of sailors, soldiers, airmen, and marines who are deployed and still write to their wives or significant others as often as they can, and in all the blogs I read everyone talks about how their husbands are "so sweet" and blah blah blah. So what in the world has happened to my husband??
 
Am I that unimportant or insignificant that he can't send me an email once a day, or even once every couple of days? Its not like he doesn't have easy access to the internet, because he does. And honestly, if he was that busy to where he couldn't I would understand, but he tells me that he goes to the gym and works out 5 days a week after work, (which isn't required pt btw) so if he has time for that, why doesn't he have time to send a damn email or make a phone call??? I just don't get it. I feel like I am always last on his list and when we do talk on the phone he is not nice to me at all. Most days he is rude, or pushy and always in a bad mood. I know he is miserable stuck where he is, but should I really be his human punching bag? The other day when we were on the phone, he yelled at me for not answering the first time he called. Granted it was 6 am and I was asleep, and once I heard the ringer go off I ran down the stairs to the phone, but he hung up before I could answer it. He was so mad that no excuse I could have offered would have helped. He then proceeded to be mean and rude to me our entire conversation. When I was explaining some details about the move he yelled at me and told me "God, you talk so much!" The "predeployment" me would have told him to go eff off and given him an earful for saying something so incredibly rude, but for some reason now I just can't bring myself to be mean or rude back to him, even when he says awful things like that to me. 
 
Then yesterday we were actually able to skype for a little while, but the connection was so horrible that it kept hanging up every few minutes. The last time that it hung up on him he didn't even try calling me back on skype, and he never called on the house phone to say goodbye and I was really bummed. I hate not being able to say Goodbye and I love you. I have a thing about this, and no matter how mad I am  always say it. He had told me that he would call me today around the same time, so I got up early and got showered and ready only to spend the next 4 hours waiting for a call that never came. I was so disappointed and hurt, mostly because I know today was his day off. :( I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am feeling very under appreciated and taken for granted. I am the one person who has stood by him no matter what since this whole journey with the Navy began, and sometimes I feel like he doesn't even care. I have loved him, encouraged him, prayed for him, been his constant cheer leader and best friend through it all, so why can't he reach out and love me and support me when I need it in return? All I want is to know that he loves and misses me as much as I love and miss him. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and wish he were home with me, and everyday I go to sleep alone knowing I will be doing this "by myself" thing for quite some time. I thought it would get easier, but after 9 months it really hasn't. 
 
Tonight while I was watching the fireworks show in my hometown, tears came to my eyes because to me this was just one more holiday we've missed out on spending together. Without my husband here by my side it just didn't feel the same. But what hurt more than that was knowing he didn't even bother to call me today like he said he was going to. Whats going to happen to us when he comes home? Will he still love me the way he did before he left, because right now it doesn't feel like he will. Right now it feels like he doesn't care at all. One thing I do know for sure is that I am ready for this nightmare to be over with.




Photobucket

9 comments:

  1. I'm really sorry your husband isn't being so nice. =/ It does get really frustrating when the man gets like that. Every relationship is different so I can't really give you advice on what you should do, but I can tell you what I would do... and what I have done in the passed.

    Last deployment my husband was acting almost like yours. Rude, a-hole-ish sometimes, and just not very nice sometimes. I told him if he didn't get his sh.t right that our son and I were going to move back home until he got his act together. He's not the only one who was going through that deployment. I was too and so was our son. It's not easy on anyone.
    I told him not to bother calling or getting online to talk to me unless he was going to talk to me without being a douche bag.

    I really hope your husband gets his mind right, and soon. Because talking to a not-so-nice version of your husband is never fun.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your husband does love you. I know that for sure. Unfortunately, it seems like this deployment is really stressing him out and althougth that's understandable, it is in no way, shape or form ALRIGHT for him to talk to you or treat you like that. You are right, you are a great support system that deserves respect and appreciation.

    I completely believe that when hubby gets home he is going to give you the biggest hug in the entire world and it will seem as if none of this ever happened at all. You will grow used to eachother again and after some time has passed I think it would be alright to bring up some issues you had with this deployment. It will bring you two closer and help with future deployments.

    I'm so sorry he's not calling. Though I am not a military gf anymore, I was once and I know the sinking feeling you get when you wait an entire day for something that never comes.

    Again, I do believe everything will be OK. It's a bad day. What gets me through my bad days is knowing that somewhere in the distance, a good one is ahead.

    I'm sending all my hugs and smiles to you today. You've always been there for me, so I'm extending the same invitation to you. You know where to find me if you want to talk or need to vent or even just want to talk about something else.

    Love you girlie.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It is rough being away from you man and having to deal with the pressures of everyday life. It's even more rough when the man that you love doesn't quite get the fact that you want to talk to him or at least want him to talk to you. I know how you feel. I've felt it before. Sometimes his job could be so stressful to him that going to the gym could be his release. I'm sure he's not trying to avoid you on purpose. Maybe the last thing he wants to do is vent to you. Some men are too proud and headstrong to let you see them while they are weak. As far as him getting angry with you, my husband did the same thing our first deployment. We talked about it when he came home, and he pretty much said that he was just frustrated. He had had enough of that ship and everyone onboard. of course that was no excuse for taking his anger out on me. But at least we knew what the source of the anger was.
    I know it hurts right now. The best thing to do would be to email him about your feelings, and see where it goes from there.
    He loves you sweetie. Have faith and dont let this bring you down.

    Samantha

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so sorry. I really hope when he comes back things go back to normal for you two. I do think you should talk to him about the way he treats you though. I could almost understand if it only happened occasionally, but it's definitely not okay that he treats you that way all the time.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dear, I wish I had the words to say to make everything feel alright, cause I know it can be super sucky to be feeling the way you do: to feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I think some of the other ladies have said it well - and I think a lot of this is that he is stressed from the deployment and that it's almost over and things can sometimes get stupid when yet another change is coming (even though it's a great and welcome change, like coming home!!). I'm sorry he's been rude and I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Like the other ladies said, I know he loves you. The only thing I know I can do for you is pray, so you and your husband will be in my prayers over the next few weeks.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm really sorry. I don't really have anything else to add to it. I hope that you can work it out, and that he will listen to you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. nice blog.. have a view of my blog when free.. http://www.lonelyreload.blogspot.com .. do leave me some comment / guide if can.. if interested can follow my blog...

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I've been there with Al too. I can't say I have a lot of advice because it sounds like something that just needs to be discussed between you two.

    I will say this. As far as Al and I go, he has told me time and time again that I should never be afraid to tell him when he screwed up. Even when he's over there. You have a right to be loved and respected and while, YES, there are some things we just "deal with" because it's "our job" being disrespected isn't one of them. I would tell him that you're hurt. That you want to feel missed. That you want him to talk nicely to you and if he needs to vent about his bad day, that's fine, but then switch focus to you. OR, on the really bad days, he can send an email saying he's "coping" today and loves you but would rather not hurt you by calling and taking it out on you.

    I don't know if that will work for the two of you, but it has worked well for us.

    Keep your head up!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm sorry your going threw this. I wish i had some great advice but i dont. And if/when he talks to you like that again. Dont just take it. He might be stressed out and hates where he is but you are going threw this deployment too.

    hope things get better for you!

    ReplyDelete