Sunday, July 17, 2011


"How the hell does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart? Teach itself to start beating again?" 

I was driving down the road today headed towards my friend Sarah's house when Christina Perri's "bluebird" came on, and it was the perfect song for how I've been feeling lately. 

I had an awful day and can't use any other word besides heartbroken to describe how I feel. 

Next week will be 4 months since I have seen my husband's handsome face, kissed his lips or felt his arms wrapped around me. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to find the happiness I seek. 

Without him here my life isn't complete. Most days I just feel like a zombie, walking around aimlessly in this great big world. I keep trying to be "positive" (mostly for his sake) but I just can't be. I am not happy, not at all. Not even a little bit.

I hate my job, I miss my family and my husband, but mostly I feel cheated of the time we should have been spending together the last 4 months. 

At this point we still don't have an "official" homecoming date, but it's looking more like I won't see my husband until next year. Yes, you read that right, I said NEXT YEAR. By the time he comes home he will have been gone almost an entire year. 11 months to be exact. For the second year in a row we have been torn apart.

Thinking about it makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come out. 

The last two years have changed me so much, and I have never experienced this much pain and heartache in my entire life, and that is saying a lot because I have had a lot of family issues growing up. Somehow none of that even compares to what I have been and am currently going through now. 

I used to be this strong, outgoing and independent person. I loved my life and only wanted my husband and I to have the chance to spend it together. I knew the navy was going to be a hard life and a HUGE adjustment, but I remained positive and believed we would make it. 

Now I look in the mirror and that person is gone. Instead there is a miserable, lonely and distrusting person in her place. Somewhere over the last two years and all the pain, heartache and crap I've had to deal with as a result of my husband's career choice, I've lost myself. 

I am damaged, I am broken, and I am giving up

There's just nothing left to do and nothing I do is good enough.

The worst part of it all is that I feel like I am losing my husband because of everything going on. I just don't know how to make things better or fix what is broken. 

Because I am heartbroken, and I don't know how to change that. I don't think I'll ever be the same after all this.



  1. Hi sweetie,
    I can't imagine how you feel. I would probably feel the same way too if I were in your shoes. I would just encourage you to continue to seek things that make you feel joy. Keep going to school and listen to positive music. Watch funny movies and just think how amazing your husband is to have such an outgoing gal like yourself. You guys will for sure make it through this :)

  2. Oh love, I wish I had some good advice for you. Military life is not an easy one. And I'm sure other veteran deployment survival wives can give you better advice. Maybe see if there are resources on base you can take advantage of to talk about your feelings. I just wish I had better advice for you :( but I understand what you're feeling and unfortunately the circumstances changed me too. I will keep you in my thoughts.

  3. my husband had to do a year in greece unaccompanied last year and is about to deploy in a week for seven months, so i hear you on the back-to-back deployments.

    it's a VERY tough life, and it's all the more difficult because no one outside the military can really understand how hard it is. but you CAN do it. just take it one day at a time.

    hope things look up for you soon!

    - nicole

  4. You are in my thoughts. I never had to go through a YEAR long separation but I always though that was... unfathomable. My heart aches for you. But if you'd like some unsolicited advice from my own experiences... feel free to contact me via email or Facebook. One thing I know is talking to people who understand is always helpful. And remember he DOES answer prayers.
    Brittnie Saoit-Facebook

  5. What a beautiful song!

    I hope you're able to find peace with this soon, and keep your chin up through it all.

    This too shall pass...even if its next year. Until then, MilSpouses have your back :)

  6. Praying for you! Lean on God - He'll get you through, always. He will be your strength when you don't think you can possibly do it anymore. Trust in Him.

  7. when my hubbs deployed to Afghanistan for 17 months (yes SEVENTEEN months) it was the hardest time of my life. i am so in love with him that it broke my heart. i had no friends where we live and had a new baby girl all by myself. i was always so dependent on him and wouldnt do anything without him. but while he was gone i had to decide to make friends and get out to make me happy. i joined a gym and focused on myself and my daughter 100%. him too of course. anyway, i hope you can come out of this funk. i know its such a dark place to be and all you want is to wake up tomorrow morning and it to be over and him be in bed next to you. but pull yourself together. you are a military wife and we are a bread of the strongest women out there. you already know you can do this job, you already know its worth it. you will get through this and when he gets off the ship next year, those moments will make this long 11 months or so, so worth it. <3

  8. I really wish there was something I could say to make it all better. I read your other post about going back to school. I think it is brilliant. Finish your degree, hang in there- and then he can get out when his contract is up. I am on a mission to finish my master's so we can have a choice in 2015. This lifestyle is not something I can spend 20 years doing. Bless all that can though! They are something special! Hang in there and don't give up.