"How the hell does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart? Teach itself to start beating again?"
I was driving down the road today headed towards my friend Sarah's house when Christina Perri's "bluebird" came on, and it was the perfect song for how I've been feeling lately.
I had an awful day and can't use any other word besides heartbroken to describe how I feel.
Next week will be 4 months since I have seen my husband's handsome face, kissed his lips or felt his arms wrapped around me. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to find the happiness I seek.
Without him here my life isn't complete. Most days I just feel like a zombie, walking around aimlessly in this great big world. I keep trying to be "positive" (mostly for his sake) but I just can't be. I am not happy, not at all. Not even a little bit.
I hate my job, I miss my family and my husband, but mostly I feel cheated of the time we should have been spending together the last 4 months.
At this point we still don't have an "official" homecoming date, but it's looking more like I won't see my husband until next year. Yes, you read that right, I said NEXT YEAR. By the time he comes home he will have been gone almost an entire year. 11 months to be exact. For the second year in a row we have been torn apart.
Thinking about it makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come out.
The last two years have changed me so much, and I have never experienced this much pain and heartache in my entire life, and that is saying a lot because I have had a lot of family issues growing up. Somehow none of that even compares to what I have been and am currently going through now.
I used to be this strong, outgoing and independent person. I loved my life and only wanted my husband and I to have the chance to spend it together. I knew the navy was going to be a hard life and a HUGE adjustment, but I remained positive and believed we would make it.
Now I look in the mirror and that person is gone. Instead there is a miserable, lonely and distrusting person in her place. Somewhere over the last two years and all the pain, heartache and crap I've had to deal with as a result of my husband's career choice, I've lost myself.
I am damaged, I am broken, and I am giving up.
There's just nothing left to do and nothing I do is good enough.
The worst part of it all is that I feel like I am losing my husband because of everything going on. I just don't know how to make things better or fix what is broken.
Because I am heartbroken, and I don't know how to change that. I don't think I'll ever be the same after all this.