Have you ever gotten so off track in your life that you wake up one day and wonder, "How did I end up here?" I know I have, and lately I've been getting those feelings a lot. Since news of the "Big D #2" I have had a hard time accepting the facts and that we will pretty much be spending another whole year apart. Does it suck? Hell yes! But I realize a little more each day that with God's help along with the support of friends and family I can and WILL get through the next year of my life. I am tired of feeling down in the dumps and letting satan use these turn of events to crush my faith and break my spirit.
Last night my younger sister called me and gave me a little wake up call from my zombieland I have been living in. I can't hide from the fact that he is leaving again and I have to let it go and make the best of what I've got. Is it going to be the hardest thing I've ever done? Yes, by far...but I've survived it once and I can do it again. I'll admit that lately I've been feeling alone and neglected by my heavenly father but he spoke to me last night through the voice of a family member and kindly reminded me that I am LOVED, BLESSED, and STRONG. I know that I have retreated from my relationship with him in the past few months simply due to the fact that I am hurting badly, scared and unsure of what the future will hold, but I can not and will not keep living my life this way....because simply put, I'm not living it.
I've been standing around feeling depressed and sorry for myself, feeling angry with God for allowing this to happen again so quickly and feeling frightened about what another deployment will do to myself, my husband and most importantly to our marriage, when what I should have been doing all along was trusting in him to take care of me and get me through this. I know this saying is cliche, "God has a plan" and I'll admit sometimes hearing it even makes me angry, but I know in my heart that its true.
So thank you little sis for reminding me that I am loved and cared for not only by family but by my heavenly father. I am going to try my best to be more proactive in my relationship with God and let him take care of my problems and worries...I know it won't be easy and I know I will stumble more than not, but I am going to try all the same. So I am asking for prayers please, because I need strength and support now more than ever. All I ask is that God gives me serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.