Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Goodbye Virginia, Hello California...???

 Thats the question that has been rolling around in my mind for the past few weeks, when realizing how alone I will be once my husband actually leaves for his second deployment. Just a few months ago it seemed like we had so many good things to look forward to: him coming home, me moving to Virginia so we could finally be together and getting to spend around 2 semi normal years together without him deploying again. Then came the bad news bomb of his deployment being moved up to A LOT sooner than it was supposed to be.

Now everything has changed. He had only been home a month when we found out he was leaving again, and our joyous reunion was cut short by the swift knowledge that we would be saying good bye sooner than either of us had thought. Since then I've been walking around Virginia like a zombie woman trying to avoid a most certainly miserable fate, from which I know there is no escape. No matter how many times I keep wishing, hoping, and praying its not true and that he doesn't really have to go again so soon, I know that eventually I will kiss my husband good bye and say, "I'll see you next year." Then the heart ache, lonely nights, bad fights, worries and depression will be back like an old enemy that just won't seem to die. I know that even if I try to put on a happy face about this, underneath it all I'll really feel like crying my eyes out.

So I sit here now, asking myself, how are we going to get  through this? Why us? Why again so soon? If only I had the answers...I've been told to believe that God has a plan, and thats fine and dandy but at some point enough is just enough. Everyone has a breaking point and this is mine. My life was never peaches and cream, but I have always tried my best to be strong and keep my head up. After so much hardship though, it gets harder and harder for me to be strong and for once I want the opportunity to just be happy, for more than one month after a year of misery. Is that so much to ask?

I really just don't understand any of this and I have never felt more alone than I have the past two months. Since the day we found out I have been walking around in a daze and I just can't seem to clear these toxic thoughts from my head. I can't help but be angry with God, even though I know I shouldn't be. My brain knows better, but for some reason my heart can't comprehend it. I don't feel like praying or going to Church. I feel utterly and completely alone...empty, exasperated, breathless, and in a way lifeless.

I have sunk into a depression, and I can't seem to pull myself up this time. I feel horrible and guilty because I know its hard on my husband to see me this way, but I just can't walk around pretending that everything is ok, when really its the farthest thing from being ok. I have never been a good liar, ask anyone who knows me!! I am the kind of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, so when I am happy you'll know it, but when I'm sad its very hard for me to hide it.

Now I know there are some of you who will say that I am being dramatic, or that I need to suck it up and be strong for my man, but honestly I just can't. I'm not superwoman or Military spouse of the year, nor have I ever claimed to be. Sometimes even the strongest people need help, and I'm just a girl who loves her husband and wants to share her life with him. A girl who went through hell our entire first year of marriage, and frankly I'm tired of pretending like I can handle all this by myself, because I just can't. As if it weren't bad enough that my husband is leaving again for more than half a year, I am 2,700 miles away from all the people I love and care for.

My family is begging me to come home, but I'm just not sure if it will all be worth the hassle. I just got to Virginia in July and I really like my job out here. I want us to have a home and someplace that is ours. I'm so tired of being a charity case and staying with family members while my husband is out sailing around the world serving our country. I know I need my family and friends to get me through this upcoming deployment but I just don't know if I can go through moving cross country again, and then moving back to Virginia 8 months later. I was so stressed about it all last time that I lost 5 lbs, my hair was falling out and I could barely eat anything.

If I were to move back to California we would have to transfer my job, give up our house, put everything in storage, and I would have to do that horrific drive cross country ALL OVER AGAIN!!!! But I would have my mom and sisters to be my support system and help me get through the months without my husband. Last time they were what got me through each mom, my sisters, my nieces and my best friends. I'm so scared to face this next deployment without them to cheer me up each day or to just laugh about how shitty life can be. :( I'll admit that I miss California something fierce, and I would love to be back home with the people and places that have a special place in my heart, I'm just not sure if it will be more of a head ache than its worth.

Then theres the flip side of the equation...I could stay here in VA and keep our house, keep working, sign up for school and try to stay busy and hopefully make some friends, but more than likely I will lose my sanity and will wind up taking cymbalta and becoming an alcoholic. Lol. I am just scared I won't have the support I need, especially since I've been here 5 months already and only have a couple friends, a few of whom will be moving in the beginning of the year. :( This whole thing is so overwhelming and I really don't know what to do. I need to make a decision soon, but I'm afraid I'll make the wrong choice. So ladies I need your help, what would you do if you were in my shoes???



  1. I know these feelings. As you know I am moving to Va at the end of this month, and my husband is going to be deployed next year. I thought about just staying and going home when he's gone, but I want to have our home set up, and I want to start my life in Va. My situation is somewhat different though, because my family is only 7 hours away so I guess it makes it easier for me. If you decide to stick around we should get together and try and survive these deployments, or we can just become the best alcoholic buddies ever! haha I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose.

  2. I am so sorry you're feeling so depressed! I am just a NEWBIE...and I have no advice for you. I think I would be just as torn as you are. You've been in my thoughts, because I can only imagine what you're going through. I hope you are able to come to a decision and one that will make you the happiest. I really hope you are able to enjoy this time with your husband and I will continue praying and thinking of you...:)

  3. I think you ultimately have to do whatever makes you happy. If it were me, I would stay there as long as I could and then once he left, I would go home so I can have the support I would need. But unlike you, I don't live on the other side of the country. You shouldn't force yourself to do this on your own because you don't have to. I am the same as you and want to be strong at all times, but sometimes we can't do it all and it is okay to need help. I can't tell you what you should do because you are the only one who can decide what the right choice will be. But I will say, you can always come back to Virginia when he gets back and that way if you go back home you won't need to be alone and you'll be more able to keep your mind busy. No matter what you decide, you will get through it, as tough as it may be.

  4. Hey, I am wearing the same shoes you are right now. Troy just finished up his out processing papers so he can join his unit in Iraq. We don't know the exact date he will be leaving but we think its just a matter of weeks.

    All I have going for me right now is my dog and my part time job. I am almost 5,000 miles way from my family back home and they want me to move back - but I have decided to stick it out here on the island. I am going to work, continue to turn our house into a home and love on my precious dog like there is no tomorrow.

    Its a hard choice - but you have to do whats right for you. :o)

  5. That's a tough call! I just went home (from GA to CA) for six weeks during my husband's last deployment, and I can tell you that time flew by compared to the other two deployments we've been through where I stayed in GA by myself. It was nice, but I missed my house a lot, and if I'd had a job, I would have stayed. It took me about a year to make close friends here, but it did happen eventually! Is there a possibility that you could take a few trips home while your husband's gone or maybe have friends and family come out to visit for a while?

  6. I would stay in Virginia, and take at least one trip back home during the deployment. And hopefully some of your family can come out to see you in VA. If you have some good friends, planning little mini-trips helps too. It's always nice to have stuff to look forward to.

    Something I've learned--it took me about a year to make really solid friends. (And once that happened, it seriously snowballed into a lot.) Also, when the ship is deployed the FRG usually picked up and had lots of activities to build friendships and alleviate the loneliness. I was really lonely through the first deployment my husband did, but during the second one I was so glad I stayed in Virginia for the second one. It just really started feeling like home to me.

    I'm sorry this is all affecting you so much. It sucks, I know. I hope you can figure out what's right for you.

  7. hey girl, i understand what you are going through. is your hubby on the enterprise?? if so, one of my friends (she lives in chesapeake) her hubby is on the enterprise as well, mine is on the truman, and we have been looking to meet people and make some friends too, and this seems like a great oppurtunity! :) if you want to of course. feel free to message me anytime, i can give you my number and we can all get together. :) we are all in this thing (the military life) together and we gotta be there for each other. :)

  8. Everyone's situation is a little different so I don't think anyone can tell you what's best for you. Only you and your husband know that.

    I guess you just have to weigh your options and figure out if it's worth storing everything and driving across the country to spend six months at home. Can you have your family come and visit?

    Wishing you all the best!

  9. Only you can truly know what is right for you. If you're going to be miserable, go home. If you think you can tough it out, stay. Maybe you can swing a month off with your boss as sort of an "r&r" type deal for you to go home about 4 months in. Then you have 4 months to look for your month vaca back in California, and after that, 4 months until your hubs is home. Then it will break up that time and not make it seem so horrific. Best of luck with whatever you choose. My hubs came home in August after a year overseas, and has had to leave again for a month at a time twice since then. Its a rough life, but just remember how worth it it is.

  10. First of all, I'd like to tell you how much your blog inspires me! The words you use and the feelings you describe are exactly what I feel as well. I'm a proud Navy wife too. My Hubby is stationed in San Diego. I live in Washington state with our son. I debated wether or not to move to be with him. But I couldn't justify moving to a place where I'd know no one and be alone while he attends school, multiple underways and all of the many nights of duty.....not to mention for the 9 long months while we suffer through deployment. What gets me through the day is the love of both sides of our families. A strong support system is the guiding light for me. People to constantly remind me of the positives and lift my spirits. In my opinion, I would surround yourself with people and things that are going to make it easier on you. If that means starting over again in 8 months then so be it. I say try to remove as much of the stress from the situation as possible. Hang in there! :)

  11. That's a tough one. Especially since you have a house as opposed to an apartment. Honestly though, having a great support system is crucial to getting through a deployment. I feel it would be worth it to go home and be with them even though it would mean re-locating. When my husband was deployed, I was so grateful to have had my family and friends around me and time goes by WAY faster when you are around people you love instead of just "staying busy" with school and work because eventually that gets boring (at least to me) but ultimately it's up to you! You do what you feel is right. I'm here for ya girl, and good luck making the decision. I'm sure everything will turn out okay!

  12. im sorry youre going through all of this again so soon =(

    i know how you feel ... when my hubby left last year, i couldnt decide on whether i should go back home or stay put.

    i had to weigh my decisions. the driving factor for me ended up being work. i was in jacksonville at a job that i hated, was making less than a third of what i could be earning, and it wasnt going to do anything for my teaching career. in addition, i hardly knew anyone and had very few friends to keep me company which would make the deployment EXTRA lonely.

    my family begged me to come back home and in the end i did. in the last few weeks of ryan being home, we packed up our house and my family drove out to help us move into storage and then drive home with me after seeing the ship off.

    we were both happy with the decision - ryan said he found comfort in knowing i was with family instead of by myself and i ended up landing a dream job. being home helped us save soooo much money (btw, if youre renting, there is usually a miltary clause in your contract that will allow you to break a lease without fees).

    granted, home for me is just a four hour drive away and you'd have to drive across the entire counntry and that is a huge undertaking. having a job that you like and a good circle of friends for support can make the 7 or so months of deployment go by faster. one thing that helped me is having an "event" to look forward to every couple of weeks - like, a ladies night on friday, shopping trip to the next state, or your mom visiting weekend next month ... having things lined up like that (things to look forward to) helps keep your mind off missing your hubby.

    unfortunately, theres no easy answer for this. talk with your husband, weigh the pros and cons and follow your heart.

    sorry ive written a novel!!

    best of luck!

  13. I'm so sorry love. I gad to make that decision too and what made moving home my decision was knowing Cody was going to have much more peace of mind and less stress and worry knowing I was surrounded by support and love. Hugs!