Thats the question that has been rolling around in my mind for the past few weeks, when realizing how alone I will be once my husband actually leaves for his second deployment. Just a few months ago it seemed like we had so many good things to look forward to: him coming home, me moving to Virginia so we could finally be together and getting to spend around 2 semi normal years together without him deploying again. Then came the bad news bomb of his deployment being moved up to A LOT sooner than it was supposed to be.
Now everything has changed. He had only been home a month when we found out he was leaving again, and our joyous reunion was cut short by the swift knowledge that we would be saying good bye sooner than either of us had thought. Since then I've been walking around Virginia like a zombie woman trying to avoid a most certainly miserable fate, from which I know there is no escape. No matter how many times I keep wishing, hoping, and praying its not true and that he doesn't really have to go again so soon, I know that eventually I will kiss my husband good bye and say, "I'll see you next year." Then the heart ache, lonely nights, bad fights, worries and depression will be back like an old enemy that just won't seem to die. I know that even if I try to put on a happy face about this, underneath it all I'll really feel like crying my eyes out.
So I sit here now, asking myself, how are we going to get through this? Why us? Why again so soon? If only I had the answers...I've been told to believe that God has a plan, and thats fine and dandy but at some point enough is just enough. Everyone has a breaking point and this is mine. My life was never peaches and cream, but I have always tried my best to be strong and keep my head up. After so much hardship though, it gets harder and harder for me to be strong and for once I want the opportunity to just be happy, for more than one month after a year of misery. Is that so much to ask?
I really just don't understand any of this and I have never felt more alone than I have the past two months. Since the day we found out I have been walking around in a daze and I just can't seem to clear these toxic thoughts from my head. I can't help but be angry with God, even though I know I shouldn't be. My brain knows better, but for some reason my heart can't comprehend it. I don't feel like praying or going to Church. I feel utterly and completely alone...empty, exasperated, breathless, and in a way lifeless.
I have sunk into a depression, and I can't seem to pull myself up this time. I feel horrible and guilty because I know its hard on my husband to see me this way, but I just can't walk around pretending that everything is ok, when really its the farthest thing from being ok. I have never been a good liar, ask anyone who knows me!! I am the kind of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, so when I am happy you'll know it, but when I'm sad its very hard for me to hide it.
Now I know there are some of you who will say that I am being dramatic, or that I need to suck it up and be strong for my man, but honestly I just can't. I'm not superwoman or Military spouse of the year, nor have I ever claimed to be. Sometimes even the strongest people need help, and I'm just a girl who loves her husband and wants to share her life with him. A girl who went through hell our entire first year of marriage, and frankly I'm tired of pretending like I can handle all this by myself, because I just can't. As if it weren't bad enough that my husband is leaving again for more than half a year, I am 2,700 miles away from all the people I love and care for.
My family is begging me to come home, but I'm just not sure if it will all be worth the hassle. I just got to Virginia in July and I really like my job out here. I want us to have a home and someplace that is ours. I'm so tired of being a charity case and staying with family members while my husband is out sailing around the world serving our country. I know I need my family and friends to get me through this upcoming deployment but I just don't know if I can go through moving cross country again, and then moving back to Virginia 8 months later. I was so stressed about it all last time that I lost 5 lbs, my hair was falling out and I could barely eat anything.
If I were to move back to California we would have to transfer my job, give up our house, put everything in storage, and I would have to do that horrific drive cross country ALL OVER AGAIN!!!! But I would have my mom and sisters to be my support system and help me get through the months without my husband. Last time they were what got me through each day...my mom, my sisters, my nieces and my best friends. I'm so scared to face this next deployment without them to cheer me up each day or to just laugh about how shitty life can be. :( I'll admit that I miss California something fierce, and I would love to be back home with the people and places that have a special place in my heart, I'm just not sure if it will be more of a head ache than its worth.
Then theres the flip side of the equation...I could stay here in VA and keep our house, keep working, sign up for school and try to stay busy and hopefully make some friends, but more than likely I will lose my sanity and will wind up taking cymbalta and becoming an alcoholic. Lol. I am just scared I won't have the support I need, especially since I've been here 5 months already and only have a couple friends, a few of whom will be moving in the beginning of the year. :( This whole thing is so overwhelming and I really don't know what to do. I need to make a decision soon, but I'm afraid I'll make the wrong choice. So ladies I need your help, what would you do if you were in my shoes???