I came to fly

"I came to win, to fight, to conquer to thrive...I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise...to fly"

Since the very first time I heard this song it's been stuck in my head, and the more I hear it the more I love it. For me a song is so much more than a beat or background music or even the singer's voice. It's about the lyrics...the words that touch your heart and make you reach for something more.

This song makes me feel inspired, like I can do anything I set my mind to...INCLUDING overcoming all the odds the navy and this neverending deployment throw my way.

I want to succeed, I want to survive and sometimes I feel like I am drowning and just trying to stay above water, when I know I was meant to fly.

There are things I do subconsciously that affect my life (and the people in it) without me realizing it. I want to move forward in the right direction and make a change for the better. 

I want to fly...Here's to that.

10 years

I can't believe it's already been ten years...

I was 14 years old when the terrorist attacks were committed against America and in my first week of high school. I remember waking up that morning and my mom listening to the radio as she got ready for work.

It was all over the news and when she told me, I could hardly believe it. As the day went on and the events unfolded people's lives all over America were changed. Our eyes were opened to the fact that we CAN be hurt, we CAN lose loved ones, and we CAN feel defeated.

As I sat in class that day none of the teachers could muster the courage to go on like nothing had happened. So all we could do was sit there and wait. Wait to find out what was going on, as we watched the news all day...seeing pictures and live feed of smoke billowing from the twin towers after they had been hit.

My heart ached for our country that day, and for weeks and months following the events that took place. Every year since, it has been a very somber feeling on the anniversary of 9/11. Now, ten years later it still gets to me. It's something that I'll remember for the rest of my life, something I don't think I could forget even if I tried.

Now as a military wife, I understand the sacrifice and the meaning even more than I did back then. So today I want to honor the fallen heroes of 9/11 by saying thank you. Thank you for your bravery and your sacrifices. You won't be forgotten.

Home

"Another summer day has come and gone away, in Paris and Rome...but I wanna go home. May be surrounded by a million people, I still feel all alone. Just wanna go home, oh I miss you, you know."

It's Thursday lovelies, and you know what that means. Head on over to Goodnight Moon and link up with whatever song moves you this week.

Lately I've been listening to my Michael Buble station on pandora before I go to sleep each night. I can never get tired of his silky smooth voice and sexy smile... ;) This song makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and makes me miss my husband even more than I already do, if that's even possible.

The words seem kind or eerily perfect for our situation right now. He has had the opportunity to visit amazing places and see beautiful things, but all he wants to do is come home to me. And that's all I can dream about. Until we meet again my love, know I'll be seeing you in my dreams each night.

"Another winter day has come and gone away in either Paris and Rome...and I wanna go home, let me go home. And I'm surrounded by a million people, I still feel alone. let me go home, oh I miss you, you know."

"Let me go home...I've had my run, baby I'm done...I gotta go home. Let me go home, it'll all be alright, I'll be home tonight, I'm coming back home."

Heartbroken

"How the hell does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart? Teach itself to start beating again?" 

I was driving down the road today headed towards my friend Sarah's house when Christina Perri's "bluebird" came on, and it was the perfect song for how I've been feeling lately. 

I had an awful day and can't use any other word besides heartbroken to describe how I feel. 

Next week will be 4 months since I have seen my husband's handsome face, kissed his lips or felt his arms wrapped around me. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to find the happiness I seek. 

Without him here my life isn't complete. Most days I just feel like a zombie, walking around aimlessly in this great big world. I keep trying to be "positive" (mostly for his sake) but I just can't be. I am not happy, not at all. Not even a little bit.

I hate my job, I miss my family and my husband, but mostly I feel cheated of the time we should have been spending together the last 4 months. 

At this point we still don't have an "official" homecoming date, but it's looking more like I won't see my husband until next year. Yes, you read that right, I said NEXT YEAR. By the time he comes home he will have been gone almost an entire year. 11 months to be exact. For the second year in a row we have been torn apart.

Thinking about it makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come out. 

The last two years have changed me so much, and I have never experienced this much pain and heartache in my entire life, and that is saying a lot because I have had a lot of family issues growing up. Somehow none of that even compares to what I have been and am currently going through now. 

I used to be this strong, outgoing and independent person. I loved my life and only wanted my husband and I to have the chance to spend it together. I knew the navy was going to be a hard life and a HUGE adjustment, but I remained positive and believed we would make it. 

Now I look in the mirror and that person is gone. Instead there is a miserable, lonely and distrusting person in her place. Somewhere over the last two years and all the pain, heartache and crap I've had to deal with as a result of my husband's career choice, I've lost myself. 

I am damaged, I am broken, and I am giving up. 

There's just nothing left to do and nothing I do is good enough.

The worst part of it all is that I feel like I am losing my husband because of everything going on. I just don't know how to make things better or fix what is broken. 

Because I am heartbroken, and I don't know how to change that. I don't think I'll ever be the same after all this.