Inspiration

For so long I felt uninspired, it was like my brain had bloggers block. I prayed God would send me some wisdom and a dash of creativity to launch my blog in a new direction, because the truth is I love writing. It gives me a way to release emotions that otherwise have no place to go. I can't stress enough how much I missed it since Isaiah came home from deployment number one. During that first deployment I wasn't working and had time every single day to write my blog, as well as reading other blogs & building relationships with my fellow bloggers.

Since moving to Virginia and starting work right away, my free time was basically next to none. Spending time with my husband in the rare moments when we both weren't working took priority. I am glad it did because he was only home for a few months and in February 2011 he deployed for the second time and was gone for an excruciatingly long eleven months. The day he left marked the beginning of the hardest year of both of our lives. Even though I had more free time with my husband deployed, I just couldn't seem to find the words.

My faith and our marriage were both tested and there were so many times when I felt like giving up entirely. There was such an utter sense of hopelessness and my heart ached only for us to finally have some time together. When it was finally time for him to come home, it didn't even feel real. I couldn't actually grasp the fact until I was driving to Naval Station Norfolk to pick him up. Our first two weeks together were perfect and after that reintegration really began.

Sometimes when I think back on it all, it seems like a bad dream, a blip in time. Although while going through it, it felt like the longest eleven months of my life. I am so thankful to God for getting us both through it and bringing him back to me safely. You know the funny thing about love is, you think you love someone more than anything and yet somehow as you go though life and endure it's hardships that love grows even deeper. You realize you love that person even more than you thought possible, and this realization makes you thankful for that love. I look at my husband now and can't believe how far we've come. I wonder how I got so lucky. What did I do to deserve a love like ours?

I still don't know, and perhaps I never will but I am blessed and thankful for it. Sure we have our spats and plenty of obstacles have shown up in our path, but somehow God has gotten us through it all. After the hardest year of our lives he has blessed us with a beautiful little boy growing inside me. Every day is one day closer to meeting our son and our dream of finally having a family will soon be coming true. With every kick and movement I feel so lucky for all that the Lord has given us.

It is because of this gift that I choose to share our story with you all, the story of our love and our lives. As we embark on our newest adventure into parenthood, I want to remind myself to live in the moment. To soak in everything around me, embrace the changes, and enjoy the little things. Welcome to my new blog and I hope you all enjoy reading about the next part of our journey!

Lovely Sunday

Today is Sunday, one of my most favorite days of the week because I have a day off from work! We had a wonderful day because the sun was shining and it was just so gorgeous out. The husband & I went to church and the message was really moving. Isaiah has been pretty reluctant to go back to church but I know it's really important for us to go. It recharges our batteries for the week and reminds us to keep focused on what matters most.

We've been going to a new church that I found recently and each time we go Isaiah seems really impatient, like he can't get out of there fast enough. It really bothers me because I know that my husband should be the spiritual leader in our family but he is having a tough time fulfilling that role. I know the navy has made it nearly impossible for him to have any sort of spiritual guidance and or normalcy over the past two years due to his back to back deployments but it is still frustrating to me as a wife. I know that in order for us to have a happy & successful marriage it all starts with our relationship with the Lord. I want to let him lead, but most of the time he refuses to take the reigns.

I've been praying about it recently and this morning I prayed before church that God would speak to him and he would have an open heart to receive the message. It was funny because we got there and he had a sour expression on his face as usual and even sat down halfway through the worship. Part of me was getting mad but I pushed down my anger & told myself to let God handle it. I wasn't going to let his bad attitude ruin the service for me. After the worship was over and our pastor started preaching the message, I started to notice that my husband was listening, laughing & was engaged in what the pastor was saying. The subject he was preaching on? How much we need the church in our lives & that the church needs us.

As he spoke I could see my husband's mood change & it was as if the sermon had been perfectly tailored for our situation. Our pastor went on to say that there will always be certain things at church that you might not like...the music may be too loud, someone might say something that offends you etc. etc. The list could go on and on, but the point is we all need the fellowship and we need to grow up and get over ourselves! I love how frank he is, it's very refreshing when you meet a christian who will actually be real! Anyway readers, the point of this story is that even though things started out bumpy today, they ended beautifully because of the Lord's love. Today I was reminded that if we seek him, he will make himself known to us. :o)

So now I leave you with a scripture from today's message that I love, "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." - John 13:35

Almost There

I can't believe it. In a few short weeks we will have survived deployment number 2. This has been an extremely long one and my husband's ship has made history for being on the longest naval deployment since WWII. As crazy and hard as it has been I am thankful for this journey. I've learned so much about myself over the past year and more than ever I have faith in the Lord and my marriage.

I hate to admit it but I'll be completely honest in saying there was a big part of me that felt like we wouldn't make it through this deployment. I am still amazed that we did. I truly believe God used our circumstances to stretch us out of our comfort zones, test our limits and make us reach out for him. I know there's no way I'd have survived the last year without his love and the love and support of my amazing family and friends I have made here in Virginia. For all of these things I am incredibly grateful. 

Now that we are nearing the end, I ask for prayers to give me the strength to get through the last leg of this deployment and to help my husband and I have a smooth readjustment period. I am really nervous about him coming home and us being "married" again. I have lived completely alone the last year and know that sharing my space and just getting used to each other again is going to be difficult at times. Thank you and the prayers will be much appreciated. :) 

And last but not least I'm sorry for being a ghost over the last year. Blogging used to be my outlet but I found that the only way I could get through this never-ending deployment was not to dwell on how depressed or lonely I was, but just to live my life. Even if that meant not writing out every detail of it. Anyway, if anyone still even reads this, Thank you. ♥

Goodbye

There is so much meaning behind those words. Leaving something in the past and moving ahead towards your future, bright and uncertain. The New Year always brings about a sense of nostalgia for the year that has passed, remembering your tragedies & triumphs as you hope for a better year to come. This year you can bet I was happy, no ecstatic even, to kiss 2011 goodbye & welcome 2012 with open arms.

Over the last year I have learned a lot about myself & life, but mostly I've learned that you can't control everything. You can try, but you will always fail. One person can change your life in the most inexplicable ways & it's really all up to fate. I guess what I'm trying to say is that 2011 was a tough year. The toughest year of my life so far, but I'm sure there will be more exhausting days to come & more tears than I'd like to cry.

But if I have learned one thing from 2011 it would have to be resilience. To pick myself up again & again after falling flat on my face. When my husband deployed in March I thought there was no way we could possibly make it through another whole year apart after we just got reacquainted. We had our share of fights, ups & downs & there were times when I think we both felt like giving up, but neither of us did.

There is no way I WILL EVER forget 2011, because it was the year I grew up. The year I officially became an adult & took care of myself. When most people went home for this deployment I stuck it out here by myself. I had some amazing friends of course, and my loving family back home but the one person I really wanted couldn't be here...And being here without him was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced.

I am so thankful to God for making me get out of bed everyday & keep going. To find the strength to get up & go to a job everyday that I hate, because as my husband says, "Everyone has to pay their dues." For keeping me sane, (ok, most of the time) & for reminding me to just breath. To take things one day at a time. To Forgive, to love & to let go of the things I simply can't change. If I didn't have my heavenly father watching out for me, guiding me through these trials, there is no way I'd still be standing. He loves me even though I'll never deserve it, & makes me want to be a better person.

With all that being said, I bid farewell to 2011 and hope that 2012 is a year of happiness, love and peace for myself & all the ones I love. You only live once, so remember not to waste a second of it. ♥

I actually Won!

Have I ever mentioned that I have terrible luck when it comes to winning giveaways? I know "winning isn't everything, " but no one can say they don't love winning something every now and then. :)

Recently I entered Chambanachik's giveaway for a copy of "Faith Deployed...Again" and I'm so excited to have been one of the two lucky winners!

Erica is a doll and I am so thankful for the chance to read this book and use it to help me get through the second half of this deployment.

So far time has been moving right along and I although I have been feeling better over all I still have my rough days. Right now I'm trying to stay focused on the positive and see the good things that have come from this deployment.

Sometimes that's easier said than done, but it's still worth trying. Here is what I have come up with so far:

1) It has given us the chance to pay off nearly all our credit card debts and to finally get new tires on my car and my brakes fixed! Hallelujah!

2) It has made me dig deep inside myself and keep going, even when I didn't feel like living anymore.

3)We have fought A LOT but we are finally at the point where we are both used to being alone and the whole "deployment" concept is easier to comprehend.

4) This deployment has brought out trust issues and secrets that would have otherwise stayed hidden for who knows how long. It could have broken us if we let it, but we have chosen to forgive and move forward.

5) I have finally known what it feels like to be completely on my own, living alone...without a husband, mom, sisters or room mates to lean on. I think it's something everyone should experience at least once in there life!

6) It has made me put myself out there and make more friends. When you don't have a husband to go on dates with or family to hang out with you tend to become more outgoing and just learn to make friends!

7) It has taught me to count my blessings and to be thankful for the good things about my husband...no matter how much he annoys me or makes me angry at times, I know I'm lucky to have a man who loves me as much as he does.

8) It has made me realize there are a lot of things I need to work on in myself, like being less selfish and more giving to others. I've also learned to let go of trying to control everything, which is easier said than done for this control freak.

Anyway, I'm off to work and it's sure to be another dreadfully boring day at the bank so I'm hoping today goes by fast! Is it 5:30 yet? ;)

Life keeps going

The last few weeks have been so busy I've hardly known what to do with myself. Between the hurricane, working so much and trying to survive this deployment, its been a tad difficult to keep my sanity in tact. With all that excitement we passed the half way mark, and although it still feels like forever until I'll see my hubby again I'm praying the days, weeks, and months pass quickly.

This deployment has really been a tremendous struggle for my husband and I. We have both been missing each other so much and get easily frustrated with this lifestyle and spending two years back to back on deployments and not being able to enjoy any of our newlywed lives together. We just had our two year wedding anniversary last week and I'll admit it was extremely hard facing that day alone.

My hubby was really sweet though and called me the night before (since he is on a different time zone) to wish me a happy anniversary. He also let me get my "upgrade" from my old wedding ring. And I must say, I'm in love!! ♥ It's exactly my vintage style and is soooo beautiful. :) Thank you baby, you are the best and always know how to spoil me!

We ordered him a cruise jacket for him to have and I worked really hard on his anniversary care package. I thought I mailed it too late, but as fate would have it, the package arrived just in time ON our actual anniversary! (It was probably the one and only thing that made me smile that day.) He loved it and enjoyed the cake in a jar I made for him so that made me feel pretty good. (here's a snap shot of his package)

This was probably my favorite thing about this package...decorating is always a lot of fun. ♥

I actually took the time to write out ten things I love most about my husband. I hope he knows I meant every word.

The last few weeks have been a challenge for us and we've had our share of ups and downs. I am really trying my hardest to be a good wife to him and not make this deployment any harder than it has to be. I can't even put into words how challenging it has been for us both, and at this point I am just relying on the lord to help us through it. Without him it just won't be possible. Please say a prayer for us both to be strong and that the lord would strengthen our marriage and allow us to lean on each other instead of fighting or pushing each other away. We could really use the prayers!

Have a little faith

I know you're all probably sick of hearing me talk about being sad, so today I thought I'd share something enlightening with you all. Lately I've been gong through a tough time...the first few months of deployment are always the hardest because you're trying to cope with the reality of the situation all the while you're trying to be strong and support your husband with a smile on your face. It's not an easy task, and I'm not perfect...very far from it in fact! 

So needless to say, I have my moments of weakness. Moments when I am just angry or depressed and I feel like giving up. I haven't heard from my husband all week, and all my emails have been returned saying that they failed to be delivered...which means that most likely comms are down on my husbands ship for some reason. Not hearing from him always makes it that much harder for me to get through the day because I am constantly worrying about his safety and to be honest, I just plain miss him. With that being said, I've been having a pity party for myself since the weekend and last night my mom called me because she was worried about me.

After talking for over an hour I realized how much my family means to me, and how much I miss them. I really wish I would have been able to go home and stay with them for this deployment. I think having their support and spending time with my mom, sisters and nieces would be a big help in making the time go by...plus no one knows me like my family does. I feel the most like myself when I am with them.

After getting off the phone with my mom I laid in bed and said a prayer. I asked God to help me because although I hate to admit it, lately I have felt like giving up. I've felt like running away from all of my problems instead of facing them head on, because its just too much to bear. So I asked for help...I cried out to my heavenly father and just asked for some strength. Most the time I feel like God doesn't even hear my prayers, but today I realized he makes himself known in the least likely of places...

I was at work when an older couple (probably in their late 50's) came in and asked for a cashier's check. They explained to me that they were from New York and their car didn't make it all the way down to Virginia. When I asked them what they were buying, they said a Subaru Forester. I smiled and explained to them that my husband loves Subarus and that he has an Impreza WRX. 

We started chit chatting and they mentioned that he had been in the navy for 30 years! I told them a little about us and our experience with the military so far. I mentioned that it had been pretty hard for us and that I didn't know whether I could take any more than four years of this lifestyle. They were so kind and encouraged me to keep hanging on. They assured me that it does get better and that there are a lot of benefits from serving in the military. Once I had finished helping them, they smiled and thanked me for my husband's service. ♥ The looks on their faces made me realize they meant it, and they knew what I was going through because they had been there and done that. And as they stood there smiling, a thought crossed my mind. 

I can't help but think that couple was meant to come in and speak to me today. As I look back and see their kind, smiling faces I see the face of my heavenly father, making himself known to me. I feel like this was his way of telling me that he hears my prayers, and that I CAN get through all of this. He used that couple in his own beautiful way to give me hope and encouragement when I needed it the most. And once I realized that, I felt pretty darn special. So when you feel like giving up, or you feel like there's no hope...just remember to have a little faith. You never know who God will put in your life to show you the way....